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Y'know I thought I was getting better. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was gaining a bit of confidence for the first time since I was little. I thought I had rooted through my friendships and I had drifted from all the toxic ones, but now I know that some other people aren't here for me and never were. I've always struggled with confidence and have always cared about validation. I started wearing makeup when middle school started and I wanted to cover my acne, now I'm actually terrified to leave the house without makeup as I feel like an ugly rat. I thought I stopped but I still hate myself. I still apologize way too much and keep my head down and walk fast to avoid people. Because of my posture I'm recognized as "the grandma" while walking to school (by the brother of someone I know). I'm undesirable. Never been asked out, never been given a valentine specifically for me, never been liked. The few friends I know care about me unconditionally I can't contact or have a difficult time doing so. I try too hard. I'm a failure acedemically and generally and I'm sick of it I'm sick of being ugly and looked down on and treated like some rat and I'm tired of being used to make them look better and I want some real friends and I want a PURPOSE. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I've been staying positive for so long and my feelings have been bottled up for so long and I don't have anyone to help me anymore. I want to change myself and I know that's not healthy but I still want to change so much. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my hair and face and body and personality and brain and I want to be someone different. What I guess I need, though, is help. If even one of you guys help me out it would mean the world to me. Thank you.
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