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you know what sucks? being dumped. so many people know that pain. i was recently dumped..but it isn't necessarily the break up that's destroyed me. i mean, yes. it has messed me up. my girl had bpd- borderline personality disorder. she can't love me back. but here's the thing- she was the first to say "i love you." it happened 2 days after my birthday. the last thing she said to me in person was "goodbye baby. i love you. happy birthday." and kissed me, then left. she couldn't really talk much the next day, but on thursday she sent me a long paragraph. i can't begin to tell you how hurt i was. i went from taking off the hoodie that said "hallie's girl" on the back and stomping on it to spending the very next day crying and hurting and wishing she could love me. it's only monday morning and so many people are either trying to get me to talk about the break up or are asking me how we are. i want to go. i cried myself to sleep again last night. i went to bed at 5:30 and woke up at 7:30. i still have pictures of her saved on my phone. videos of her laying on me or kissing me or laughing. i swear..my birthday was so amazing with her and i remember thinking " i think im in love with this girl...". but i see now she didn't even love me and she couldn't love me. that's not her fault. but maybe she shouldn't have said " i love you " if she didn't mean it - couldn't mean it. just messed me up more.
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I am a woman with BPD, none of my relationships ever last. Mostly because I love too deeply and give SO much of myself, and then I end up feeling resentful because I myself didn't set boundaries. It's not your fault, it's not really hers either. She doesn't understand what she feels most of the time. Either she feels so deeply it consumes her, or she is numb. When you go numb, you literally feel nothing and its so scary. Don't be angry at her, be gentle with her and know that it is not and was not your fault. Also know, she likely DID love you, she just didnt know what to do with that love.
ReplyI was in a similar situation as you. Dated a beautiful woman with BPD. We fought all the time because she was trying to control me all the time and i wouldnt have it. We are both in our late 30ies and i have seem my share of good and failed relashionships, and even though my feelings for her were very strong, i felt that something was wrong with the way she was communicating and showing her feelings towards me. Everything overwhelmed her, she had fits of uncontrolable rage for little or no reason ( its all a matter of perspective i guess ) and we treated me vers disrespectfully in front of her friends and mine. After many many talks and acknowledgement from her side, things werent getting any better. I started slowly taking some distance to see things more clearly and that made our relationship even more tensed because she could not understand or link our conversations, with her actions and my trying to protect myself against this type of abusive behaviour. Finally, after the 3rd time i saw her flirt with guys in front of me, like i wasnt even there, i had enough and i broke up with her. There were many back and forths ( BPD's usually cant understand or find it very painful to deal with feelings of abandonment ) and although i explained many many times my reasons, she would put all the responsability on my shoulders and was unable to understand that she has an issue that will keep going unless she helps herself with the appropriate therapy. Its very sad to know that BPD people are looking for love and cant seem to handle these feelings, leading to them leaving people or people deciding to leave them because it hurts too much to be with someone with this illness. But its important to understand that it is an illness and can be treated with DBT over a period of 2.5 years. People see amazing results and can manage their feelings much better after therapy. So, the only two things i can say to you my friend.
1) You can hang in there and try to read as many books as you can about dealing with people who have this disorder and possibly get them to accept therapy if you feel that this person is really special for you
2) You need to take care of yourself and try to understand why you were attracted to that person in the first place. People who get attracted to BPD people sometimes exhibit signs of codependent patterns, due to childhood traumas. And that might be something you could also look into during your healing process from being with a BPD.
Just remember that they are people who have severe traumas and that need help, even though they might never understand or ackgnowledge that due to their Black and white thinking. ( most of the time, they think you are the problem and wont consider the possibility that change or therapy is something they need to do for themselves ).
Whatever you decide, first and foremost, you need to make sure that you heal after this relationship and then consider your options, whether this is to stay of move on emotionally smarter from this story.
O.
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