is my paranoia my jail?

I've been trying to understand myself, and how I am dealing with relationships, generally as a person I like to think of myself as someone who is straightforward, honest (to a certain extent), and I don't know what else. sometimes I like to think I am unique, other times I like to think I am like everybody else. but one thing on my mind that makes me constantly think. I am afraid to go to a psychologist, because I cannot afford myself to let this be a part of my medical record, that I have mental issues. I feel I do, I often talk to myself and think, over think, everything. it is insane, really.

I just want to understand why It is very hard to me to have a normal relationship, I find that I have a pattern, which is me getting completely bored of my new partners, literally one month in and.. I no longer care about how their day is going like, or how it was, what they're feeling and why, I realize that I am asking these questions only out of respect. so the conversation does not die.

I tried to understand myself, and from online results and forums it says I might be suffering from a deep depression. I mean.. I guess but, I do sometimes very much feel alone. and it is like an anxiety. a very empty dark corner.

I am 23 years old.

I often think that there is only one reason for me being the way I am. my paranoia and trust issues. I do not trust my partners (nor my parents).. I never give my partners the right exact address to my house, I am always afraid something I say may be used against me.

The other me, deep down wants a way out of this, because.. I am never feeling 'free'. I became a very closed person, and concerned over my privacy after my military service.

if you've been watched, and 'investigated' in a way, you can relate to the feeling and understand that the feeling of paranoia becomes you, and not just an emotion. it becomes your life, in everything you do, say, your surroundings, over thinking everything. my work became a part of my personal life.

I am very happy that I have the skills to know things, but.. at the same time, you never rest and are happy in a relationship. or with anyone near you.

I was thinking to myself, maybe it will change, perhaps it is just my age, and as many people say (to others as well) it is just a matter of time, or you haven't found the right one.

But.. I just want to understand what am I really, who am I or perhaps specifically to know what kind of person I am.

What if I will never be able to have a normal relationship.

It scares me.

it would scare any other person living like this.

I don't need emotions for the type of work I do, which is an advantage, you never get attached.

but at the same time I am just like you, wanting something simple and real.

it is as if I am in a constant fight with myself, my thoughts, endless failed attempts striving for something without my paranoia, fear popping in.

every single time.

I need help.. or do I?