Hell vs living hell

3 months, it's been 3 months since my last attempt, until last night. I don't know what went wrong I thought I was fine but then I find myself in this dark place again I feel like I'm trying to make my way out of a dark hole and I was very nearly at the top and out and things changed, I'm lost again and I have to pretend I'm not? I'm not a bad person I promise you that but I have a tendency to act in a very destructive manner when I'm hurt or feeling rejected I admit that's my biggest flaw I don't react very well to pain I like to try and bottle it up and ignore it like it never happened but I NEVER forget. I wake up every day with the same words ringing through my head: "I'm a liar, I'm a bad person, he left because of you." Everyday I struggle to get up because I don't feel the purpose anymore I know you go to hell for what I've been trying to do but it already feels like I'm here in this hell I've created and it's all my fault and I'd like to think deep down I don't wanna die that everything will be fine but I don't trust myself the next time something in my life topples over I'm fragile and very close to being pushed over the edge and I've got no one to help me back up. I'm all on my own and that's fine with me I've lived my whole life on my own never really telling people what's wrong but I don't need anybody not now I DID need somebody I needed everyone but no one heard me now the voice that's crying out for help is hoarse and dry it's nothing but a whisper now and it's tired and it wants to be laid to rest, just like me.