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I daydream a lot about meeting a great guy and the talks we'll have before he proposes to me. Sometimes their vast adventures to other worlds, and super powers!
I felt bad today and looked up if those day dreams were sinful...I got a hard yes....it wrecked me (Ecclesiastes 5:9) the thing thats put me to sleep for years was a thing I shouldn't do....in those dreams Im pretty, i have a home, friends, a caretaker then I meet this amazing guy! And he likes me- but I found out that daydream/ imaginative thought is vanity.... I didn't want to say yes I mean im just dreaming of what I don't have....but i guess it is a little vain to imagine myself pretty, or with a lot of things. I cant help tearing up.
Todays been hard....this weeks hard....my lifes hard....my grandmother today told me I cant just rely on a man. I guess Im in a abusive relationship but at the same time Im not cripple, i could run i suppose and depend on myself. (I never told her about abuse) But leaving feels so far away....
Instead I normally dream of better things that are cool. The idea I need to let it go hurts pretty bad....its like my lifeline....but I love God. And even though things happen to me that hurt I really love loving God. Ecclesiastes says I should keep my words short to God....that makes me sad too.....i mean.....idk... i just kinda liked being able to talk to God about my day, I know its stupid but....I really don't have any friends and I kinda thought of God like the best dad you could ever have, like he's kinda stern and sometimes he's mean or he doesn't always talk but hes always right there. I never thought he was to good to listen to me....so.....im kinda hurt......
I cant help think what if this is why my circumstances have taken a nose dive. I was bad....i might have been...probably was annoying God....
I feel utra dumb....to even think he wanted me to talk to him for like 30mins a day
Anyway now im up at 3am, writing, thinking how I need to take my son to daycare, child services comes tomorrow, my hairs undone, and my mom told her pastor im a loafing child hating college drop out mooch so she could take my son...i mean the pastor probably thinks im weird anyway.....i was always to quiet in church and strangers scared me as a kid....even now...maybe part of him wanted to belive her.....im so dumb..
I need to call him tomorrow....to tell him the truth.
i just wanna cry more. I dont even have a safe space anymore.......im so sad...
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