Trapped in my mind

That one feeling you get when none understands…that ache in your heart that throbs so bad and you just want to scream because of the pain, the words you hear shattering your heart into pieces yet you can’t protest because if you did they will brush it off and make you feel more ridiculous than you already do, that moment when you can’t express your thoughts and fail to make them into words, that moment when none listens but you still talk because you think you can make a difference but all your efforts are in vain and that’s when your vision becomes blurred with unshed tears that you try to hide behind smiles to not seem weak and to not appear fragile but instead tough and strong with a neutral expression on your face even though you just want to scream and yell because of the frustration, when you are like a ticking bomb that just waits for the moment to explode. Sometimes I wonder am I too honest? Should I hide my true opinions to make people like me better? And the answer is usually yes because in matter to be with them you have to stop being you. Can’t they just love me for the way I am? Can’t they accept my imperfections and flaws and just love me the way I was born? Aren’t they supposed to make me feel like the best and luckiest person in the world and not make me hate myself even more than I already do? Is something that wrong with me if the closest people to me are the most far? The people I should trust are the ones I fear and the ones that should make me feel good are the ones mocking my insecurities and judging me every chance they get, not knowing that behind my mask of nonchalance there is a small 13 year old girl that just wants to be loved and accepted, they don’t know that no matter how much I seem mature I’m still a fragile kid, they don’t realize that their words hurt deep down and every time they throw their snarky remarks a bullet is directed to my heart and a knife is repeatedly being stabbed into my chest, I’m not asking for the moon or for the impossible I just want someone to hear me out and care…or just pretend to do I just want someone to be there, someone that I can be me with and not put a façade in front of but now that I say it, I realize that I don’t even know who is me anymore, putting too much fake personas made me unknown and lost. I know I’m not perfect I know I’m not the best nor most beautiful person out there but it shouldn’t matter because I’m human we all are and being perfect isn’t one of our virtues even if everyone is trying to be flawless they will not succeed and instead of wasting their time reaching for the unreachable not caring if they destroyed someone in the process they should take a step back and see if they are satisfied with their life? are they able to sleep at night knowing well that they hurt someone? Those are the things that should matter. You don’t understand how much it is for me to bear the pain alone, I don’t know what is wrong with me, my feelings are slowly suffocating me, sometimes I wish I could be normal, I wish I was not so damn complicated, I wish society wasn’t so toxic, I wish I don’t love way too hard, feel way too strong, be too loyal but I can’t change the way I am, I need help I really do but I can’t beg for it when no one even notices the struggles I’m living through every single fucking day and I’m too scared and afraid of judgment to actually speak and express myself, I am just in this little bubble trying so bad to build these walls around my heart to decrease the damages that might be caused by the people I thought I loved. I am simply trapped in my disturbing mind.