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Things used to be different. When I turned and saw you in the hallway, my heart would stop, my palms would get sweaty as you approached and put your hand on my back, your fingers burning into my skin with an electric tension between us. My breath would get short, and I felt like I you were the only thing I could focus on, your finger drawing lazy circles between my shoulder blades, as everyone seemed to disappear until it was just you and me. And it felt right.
The first time you ever spoke to me was at a party. Something that seems irrelevant now was eating at my brain, occupying my thoughts. You found me in the bathroom, curled up in the corner, eyes red, with mascara and eyeliner dripping down my cheeks. You put your hand on my knee as you asked if I was alright. I looked you in the eye told you I wasn’t. I’ve always been honest with you. we stayed in that bathroom for almost two hours, just talking. That night, you drove me home, your hand on my knee as it was earlier that day, your hand on my knee as it was when you took me to our first date, your hand on my knee as it was when we watched the fireworks across the hill, your hand on my knee when you drove me to school on the day everything would change. Oh God, I wish you would of kept your hand on just my knee.
That night, I told you not to drive me home. You put your hand on me and I flinched. You asked me if I was alright. I told you I was, and turned away. I couldn’t look you in the eye anymore. That night I walked my bike eleven miles from school to my house because I couldn’t find the strength to pedal, my legs shaking at the thoughts that occupied my brain. My mind numb that you could just drive away and pretend nothing happened. My stomach churning as i thought of the smile you always have plastered on your face, gagging thinking about how many other girls or boys you have done this too.
I sat alone in my room that night, thinking about a decision that no one should have to make. Thinking about everything I have ever done wrong. You called me 14 times that night. I counted. Because even if I didn’t matter to you, even if i was just an object, you mattered to me even though i didn’t want you too, I couldn’t want you to. Your calls still made my heart flutter, your texts made my world stop spinning for a split second. You said if I said no that you would let me go, and I know know you didn't care about me but I thought you did and I couldn't let you go, and I still can’t let you go. Now, when I turned and see you in the hallway, my heart stops, my palms get sweaty as I think of the way you used to put your hand on my back, your fingerprints burning into my skin with an electric tension. My breath gets short, and I felt like I you are the only thing I could focus on, as everyone seemed to disappear until it is just you and me. And it’s not right. It never was right. It will never be right.
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