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How do you know when it is time to give up? How do you know that what you’re feeling isn’t just temporary, what if you’re sure that you’re looking at the rest of your life and you don’t like it but you have no idea how to change it. I’m stuck. I feel like I’m in a never ending loop that isn’t ever going to take a turn or a different route. I believe as I get older more and more bad things happen. I believed being bullied from such a young age until I finished school was just a childhood thing that I’d get over some day and laugh at when I became bigger and better than those who made me feel worthless. I thought life could only get better and being a teenager was just hard. I have one more year of being a teenager and it’s gotten harder and harder. One more year until I’m no longer what you’d class as a child. An adult. I thought I had it all when I had my friends, family life was good and relationships weren’t an issue. Even when bad things happened I thought as long as I have the love of my friends and the love of my partner and the love of my family. It’ll be okay. Little did I know my friends who I thought were my world, weren’t real friends. My friends of so many years were fake and eventually left me in the darkness knowing what my mind was capable of thinking and what my heart was capable of feeling. Standing by my bed side in a hospital when the pain took over and I made a silly decision. But it was fake and I was left only months later. Left with no friends who I counted on to always be there. My relationship isn’t perfect, always breaking up and getting back together but we love each other. But how long is that going to last until the next break up and what if we doing get back together? Who knows. I’ve studied 2 years at college thinking I was gonna be great within my job and be fully qualified one day. Each year must be applied again and again no matter who you are. Other applicants were accepted whilst I was not. My full career shattered before my eyes as a lot of things are dependant on my job. If I cannot be in education specially for my job (training) I cannot have that job, if I cannot have that job I cannot earn money and the last 2 years wasn’t a waste. My car is to do with my
Job and I’m inlove with my car, without that specific job I’ll have no car, or at least not that one and it’s beautiful. I was told I wasn’t accepted not because I wasn’t good enough or any fault of my own but behind my back it was discussed and in fact was made clear it was all my fault. My family blame me and don’t listen to me they take the words of those from the college I’ve been dismissed from attending. Their snide comments about not getting into the next level are becoming like knifes to my ears. I can’t stand it. They don’t say it because they genuinely believe it, no. They say those things to hurt my feelings because my family is a family who thrive off each other’s misery. My father is a good man and my mother is a good woman. But they are not good at listening and comforting. I had bad mental health as a child. I was told I was an attention seeker. My father was recently diagnosed with depression and everyone must walk on eggshells for him, i made a comment about how I know how he feels when he spoke of suicide and was told ‘no you dont’. Oh yeah. I must have made that up, of course I don’t know how he feels because I’m not allowed to feel those things without being told I only want attention and others have it worse than me. Oh I am SO TIRED of hearing ‘others have it worse than you’. Others have it better than me too so does that mean I shouldn’t be happy because others are happier than me? I have no friends. I’ve tried to reach our for help, my family have witnessed myself lashing out when I can’t take it anymore and having mental breakdowns where they literally call me crazy and say I belong in a psychiatric hospital. But I have no support. All I have is my partner, and as much as I love my partner so very much.. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to call them mum partner as after every breakup I believe our relationship is less and less set in stone. My college friend may also be to blame slightly for the thing about college due to the fact I always have to be late for her because she likes to take her time doing things and I wait for her because I am a good person which makes me late and they look at that as unreliable. She’s not even thought about the fact she’s may be partly to blame either. She’s selfish. My best friends left me months ago but it still hurts like a fresh wound every day. I should hate them for what they did to me but I don’t. I’d give anything to both slap the pair of them and also hug them.. I don’t know. I’m confused and don’t see a way out. I’m alone and lonely. I don’t see the point. I think about ending my pathetic life on a daily basis but I’m so afraid of death. I have good days and bad days but recently my bad days show more than my good ones. I don’t know how much one person can take but what I do know Is I’m trying so hard but I don’t think it’s working. Sometimes I think maybe I deserve all this hurt and pain.. maybe I am a bad person and don’t realise it. I just want something good to happen to me; just once. I just want support and to be felt like I’m loved and wanted, I want to be listened to. I just want to feel happy again. But I don’t know how to.
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