Depression, I Want To Thank You

Depression, I want to thank you.

Thank you not for existing, but for the things I have learned. For the things I have felt.

There are days where I feel completely empty. Like I’m searching for the bottom of a dark hole that seems bottomless, yet I can’t remember how long I’ve been falling for.

There have been moments where a sharp pain has hit me. Not a physical one, but a sharp pain of realization as I hear my mind thinking, I want to die. I know this isn’t me speaking, it’s not what my heart wants. It’s what you want. And in those moments, it has terrified me. The panic that washes over my body and gives me chills as I realize you are the most lethal, toxic thing to me, but I have no acute way of escaping you.

Some days it’s like I’m talking to someone, but it’s another part of my mind. And I find myself debating and convincing myself that I need to think positively, not listen to the other part of me. The lonely, dark, other me that sees nothing but destructive and negative illusions. It’s you. And you’re exhausting.

But I’m not running away from you any more. I embrace you with open arms, for you have made me feel more. Feel deeper.

For when I feel love, I feel it as if the world was made for me rather than I for the world. That the sun rises each morning and shines just for me. That every molecule on this planet has its beauty and I get to experience all of it.

And when I feel sad, I feel heartbreak for all the memories and moments that I was blessed to remember. That I felt so deeply that whatever affected me so much received a tear to celebrate the joy it gave me to begin with.

You might be lethal and toxic, but I feel more alive having the widest scale of emotions. And you made that possible for me.

So thank you.

You might know how to kill, but I know how to stay alive.