Dear Self - I Wish to be Your Friend Again

Dear Self,

For 3 years I thought I was taking care you. Or maybe that's what I assumed. I was so scared to hear what people might say. That I might be called fat again. And if I heard that I felt like I might go back to where I started. The thing was...I was still stuck in the past.

I thought I moved on from Bulimia, or at least that's what I convinced myself. I did move on from self harming and self loathing, but I didn't move on from everything.

I'm here talking about this because I'm done. I’m done trying to fit you in the image in my head. Trying to fit you into the girl I wanted to see. I never thought I would damage you so much. My vitamin D is an 8 out of 30. I didn't know that I was feeling tired and depressed and weak because I was hurting you so bad. I didn't see the pain you were going through because all I wanted to see was what was in the mirror.

I'm here to apologize. I’m so sorry for putting you through this for 3 years. For making you puke till blood rushed out. To blame yourself for everything that went wrong. To make you try to fit into something you aren't. To punish you for everything that anyone said.

It's been a long time since I've ever gotten to listen to your side. I wish to be your friend again.

It might take a long time to get along, but I'm willing to keep you safe now. I won't hurt you anymore.

I promise never to break you again or to let anyone break us anymore.