What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
My parents are emotionally abusing me, that's for sure. But I can't describe how exactly they're doing it, what exactly hurts me so much about what they do. I will try but I don't know if I'm able to describe it.
So I'm thinking a lot, I am very introverted and I often just don't want to talk. But Ofen they would come to me and start small talk while I'm busy on my computer, but they just ignore it. I get frustrated because I can't concentrate and I try to tell them politely to go away, but often they then suddenly become upset and say things like "You're only sitting at your computer! Your so lazy! You can't do anything! What would you do without all this technology?! You should be thankful for everything we have you!". I get more upset to because it hurts me a lot and I tell them that that's not true, I start to get louder and say that I just want to be left alone, and that this doesn't have anything to do with thankfulness. They then say something like "Why are you shouting?! You're always getting upset over everything! Why do you have to make an elephant out of everything?! I didn't do anything to you!". And often it escalates until they grab me or take my computer away, scream at me and it's always the same at the end: At the end I'm left hopeless, not understanding what just happened, wanting to be gone and being so sad that not even crying and screaming helps to get all that grief out of me. I start bumping my head and lay on the floor and a few times I tried cutting myself but the pain was too much so I stopped, and was left with the same anger and grief as before. It makes me feel suicidal most of the time and the worst part is that my parents think that it's totally normal and they pretend as if nothing ever happened after it. Like they scream at me and multiple hours later when there are no tears left I try to sneak into the kitchen to drink something I'm suddenly their "lovely daughter". Not "a monster", not a "whore", not a "lazy ass" or "unthankful rat", but a "lovely daughter".
In Addition to that like I Said I think a lot. I think a lot about why we even exist and stuff like that but I couldn't find an answer, and it already made me kind of depressive but then I couldn't even talk to my parents about these thoughts because I already had no trust in them, since they're doing this all the time. And whenever I tried to tell them that I wanted to die, that I feel so hopeless, so sad I don't even know how to express it anymore, it feels like I'd have to tear my souls out of me to let all of this out, they just say that I only want attention, that I should stop crying fake tears, that I'm just pretending. But it's not true yet they won't even listen!
I' e lost faith it god long ago because there's no way he would have created such a meabingless and brutal world and why would he ignore all my desperate prayers? I'm my best friend betrayed me and I don't had enough trust in them to tell them about this anyway, same thing with my new friends. And if I go to a therapist (if I even manage to do that without my parents knowing because they would never let me go) I'm afraid I won't know what exactly to tell. I don't know what exactly is happening, or what exactly is hurting me so much. I just got used to it so much, it's happening every day, that I don't even really notice how it happens anymore. I just want someone to comfort and understand me, something parents are supposed to do but they don't. Whenever my mother has something to talk about she'll talk to me and I listen to all of it because I want her to feel better but she won't even let me talk when I need her the most. It feels like she's using me just like my friend did.
And both of them never said story for anything to me!
The worst part is that I have to stay for at least 3 more year with them until I'm even an adult. I tried running away but I have nowhere to go, I don't even know what to do once I'm outside. At least they usually don't try to stop me from running away but probably because they either don't care - which makes me feel even less wanted - or because they know I will come back. And not even the first time when I did this did they say that they were worried. Last time I did this I tried staying away for several hours so that they get st least worried but when I returned my mother just said "Well nevermind we don't have to call the police." Amd that's it. Like if the only thing they're worried about is that they would go to jail if someone found out they let their daughter just run away without trying to do anything about it. Like if they wouldn't care about it if there wasn't any law.
I don't even know what I want know...tbh I want to never have existed in the first place, but that's not possible. I don't want to die because it's probably painful and I'd have to leave my little brother behind who I think would eventually end up feeling the same way. Seeking help? Like I said I don't know. I have no trust left at all and I don't know if I would want to speak to someone who is pretty much a stranger to me (a therapist). I want those that I know and love to be that person I'm speaking to, my parents, but they won't listen no matter what I do. I just don't know anything anymore. I just want to not exist, ever. Not in the memories if anyone, not now, not in the future. I'm tired of trying to tell them. Nothing every changes they always ignore me when I need them so much. I just want my soul to escape Fronbauer those world, I just wish there was a god who coulda hear me and help me or anyone else. At least someone who could comfort me.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Please comment
Sometimes the tides pull me within. Where I see the dusty door to my attic, With recognition that sparks sheer panic. The door’s always open and inviting,...
-
What's next?
Somewhere in my mind, a little voice screams. I'm left at home alone so soon after being in the hospital. So soon after being actively suicidal. I told them...