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Hi
I'm gonna dump my melancholy here. So, if you were to read this further, I am as a writer just want to assure you that I don't want you to carry(?) This melancholy with you later on. Plus, this is hecka long.
I'm a pretty straightforward person so believe me when I said I have lesser pain once I've done writing my feelings down :-0
Like I said, I only need a breather. Plus, just so you know, my relationships with my society are fine.
Well, enough for introductions (it feels like writing the disclaimer in fanfiction lol).
I'm gonna start with acknowledging the fact that I have little to no problems in sharing my feelings with others; by that I mean, I no longer feel ashamed of my weaknesses (so does my strenghts, which I rarely feel ashamed, lol). I accept them. and just like anybody who have weaknesses, I try to better myself each day. Haha, its not as easy as it sounds, but I managed to begin and continue up till today and will do so in the future.
But hey. I can't help feeling lonely at times.
The feeling often pops out because of my younger days habbit (not that I'm old, mind you XD, I'm around 20s rn). I have uncommon ways of thinking since I was a kid. 'Uncommon' as in different from how people in my culture of my gender (I'm female) at my age would think. The uncommon stuff was simple: I adored bugs, I played soccers, I prefered physical brawls than chitty chatty warfare, etc. Because of that I often felt forced (at that time) to do girly stuff, and can't help to feel alienated. Alienated, as in I'm not a normal girl like others.
It was all fine at first, till I started to feel really lonely and chose to sought for attention including the unnecessary ones to show that "this is me, this is real, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be" (sing along if you knew the song XD).
Before I knew it, I have become an over-attention seeker bastard. Glad at the end of my junior high I realized that and determined to change by the start of my high school. Long story-shory, the over-attention seeking and drama empress-ing completely stopped on my 3rd semester of college.
During my attempts to stop my own dramas and over-need for attention, I experienced somesort of detachment. Tbh, It is not a psychologist diagnose but at least that's what I feel. When the detachment appears I feel removed or sometimes cut off from my surroundings, even from myself.
For examples (and I am not joking nor dramatizing them), I forgot my name for two seconds, I forgot how to eat, I forgot how to wash my hair, I forgot why I am sitting and chatting with my bestie. Glad I didn't forget to breathe.
The detachment, is what I feared foremost whenever I start feeling lonely like right now. I'm afraid if I one day happen to lose my grip over my consciousness, and would just forget everything.
(1) Forgetting my responsibilities to my family (this is a normal thing if you live in Asia, just in case you think I have a big responsibility - no, I don't)
(2) forgetting my bestie
(3) forgetting my identity which i've fought for over 2 decades
(4) forgetting all things that I've learned so far
(5) forgetting my dreams. Especially to get a higher degree and just have enough income to continue living.
All in all I'm afraid to
Completely forget literally everything. Cuz whem my detachment comes, everything feels cold and blank. There's nothing in front of and within me. I saw the chairs, tables, the people around me, even my own presence as equal. Equal as in, they're just lump of grey mud. They felt blank and nothing.
It only last for secconds but it felt like ages whenever I managed to come back from my detachment.
Whoa.
Really.
Something,
Unpleasant.
Thus, it concludes my wrting, I just want to share my detachment because it could be scary for me at times. And I can't help wondering if anyone ever experience this too.
It doesn't happen frequently, just so you know. And whenever I feel the cold detachment coming back, I really manage to struggle and push it away :3
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