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I've always been sick. I knew something was wrong when I was a kid. So I piled years of opiates on top of it and now I'm an absolute mess. I'm tired of waking up from dreams about drugs and suicide. I'm so happy one second and then the next I'm crippled bt anxiety and self loathing. It feels like everyone hates me...but I know it's mostly just that I hate myself. I am really, really tired. My past makes me feel guilty and I fixate on it and all of the terrible things I did, and that happened to me. Even being over a year sober and living in a different state has given me no sense of releif. I am plagued and can't explain it to anyone. I feel like I'm trapped with myself. I want to die but am scared of the consequences. Explains why I've been pushing everyone in my life away for years. The less people that love you...the less that get hurt when you leave.
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yeah, pumping opiates into your system will screw you up good. a year? really your brain and body are just beginning to recover. a good therapist can help you get back to a better place.
ReplyLemme tell you a story of mine...
Here I am, a teen male who hasn't enjoyed life since he was eleven years old, since he first realized people didn't look at him as friend, but as a freak. Throughout all of middle school, I was an outcast. No one wanted to talk or hangout cause they didn't like different and I hated myself for their judgement. Same thing through most of high school since the few people who actually proved they give a shit just disappeared and I was ready to die by my senior year in high school.
I stopped trusting people, I became scared of everything, and I was ready to die. Then I realized somethin'; by pushing away everyone who said they cared, I was hurting them more than my death would.
Every day I think it's my brain fighting itself. But really, it's a conflict of the heart and mind.
Moral of the story: It doesn't matter how strong some say you are. This fight can only be won with love from those around you. And to get it back, first forgive yourself for being too concerned about how those you love would feel after your passing, then ask for their forgiveness.
ReplyI meet so many addicts and newly sober people every day. It is SO hard, and usually you cut off a lot of people when you became an addict, and sadly, its those people you needed to lean on when getting sober again. What's always fascinated me is that fellow users are there for each other so much stronger than family, because they know what its like to have nothing.
I don't know if this helps, but I'll share a story of a friend who fought addiction, on and off for years, and finally won. She would always be gone, shooting up heroin, all over town, and she would leave cereal boxes in the bottom cupboards around the house so her toddler could feed himself when he was left at home all alone.
That kid had a rough, rough upbringing, with both parents having substance abuse problems. But his mom, she kept fighting through it and finally became sober. She is the most positive, excited, happy person I have ever met. She found a man who loves her for her, AND her son still drops in to visit her. He still loves her. They mended their broken bridges.
She now is happily married and just had a baby, the most precious baby girl. I don't know what kind of demons she had to fight, or how long she had to fight, but I know in my heart it was SO worth it in the end. Every day will continue to be a battle, but she is surrounded by beautiful things to live for.
Guilt sucks. Embarrassment sucks. BUT. It is NOT EASY to become sober. The fact that you have been sober for over a year in an incredible accomplishment, and it means, despite everything else, you are STRONG. If someone hates you, they don't know you well enough to respect where you are now. It's so easy to judge and not realize that maybe someone is at rock bottom, or somewhere in between, or maybe they're doing the best with what they have. Best of luck. You can be told you're trash, and be treated like trash, but the worst thing in the world is to believe it. You have my respect, and I really hope you keep on pushing forward.
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