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I've been trying to troubleshoot myself, look for advice, I'm even going back to therapy. Still now and again all most like a computer with some bugs I have hiccups, usually on the same thing over and over. Sometime I just break down like when a game console overheats, sometime in the privacy of my room sometime it's in my own head.
The worse is the pain, like a virus or ransomware on my mind. It hurt like a foot pressing on my chest when I don't focus on my breathing , having teeth removed with jumper cables when waiting for a negative outcome and drills in my legs and needles in my eyes when people close to me tell me things about myself that have circling my mind. Sometimes I have bad thoughts, I've been told not act on them but it's hard not to think about. We all see them those inspirational stories about the depressed or mentally lost person getting hit by a car or falling from a cliff and surviving, the event putting perspective back in there life and jump starting something in them.
I know it wont work, it's be like throwing a computer on the ground or smacking a car with a baseball bat in the hopes it'll work faster.
It's hard though, working to not disappoint anyone and cry when I make the same mistakes. The anger I see in the people I love when with each passing day can't fix my problems. They say the same things I feels, and I know that it's my fault for being a defective broken thing trying to keep up in a shiny, noisy, fast pace world.
I'm working hard to fix myself, I working as fast as I can some my loved one can stop waiting and hating the broken me. I'll make myself work just like the rest of the world even and will try not given in to the bad thought as tempting as they are.
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ReplyThis was a great anaology. Just remember that all good software is still running on the ground work that makes it useful and good. The good things about you are still there, focus on those and you can build from there.
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