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Imagine someone looking you straight in the eyes for the first time in what seems could be years. They look you straight in the eyes and hold that stare as they tell you 3 times "I hate you". I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You know it's true. It feels like the first truth you've heard from them in years.
It crushes you. Right there and then you can begin to feel your soul being crushed from the inside out. You realize that the healthier you've been getting, the angrier they've gotten. Suddenly you feel like you've been ignoring the obvious and even through the chemo, you knew. You were something to put up with for the end game. You're ruining their plans and now you're stuck. No matter how healthy you may be, you will eventually lose this fight.
And now, you know you've made the mistake and getting yourself removed from the situation will take every single last moment of your life. You will divorce, you will sell the house, you will split the assets and they will go their way. You? You will finish these terrible actions just in time to see the light fade from your life. As you are sucked into the darkness people will tell you it's ok. People will say you are better and stronger for it. In the end you will slip away broken and cold, wrapped in a blanket of platitudes that will make everyone else feel better. Everyone except you.
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Horrible!Hope this is mostly fiction and resolution realizes better than that.Be brave,go forward
ReplyI wish it were fiction. I've been ruminating for weeks and just wanted it out of my head. It's one of those things you can't tell anyone because it causes anger that won't help. I don't want my last months or year to be filled with even more anger
ReplyCancer fucking sucks mate. Whoever this was about can go shove an IV pole up their ass and see how they like it. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this shitty situation. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to scream cuss words when you're home alone (like I do sometimes haha.) But I agree with you, that you don't want your last months or years to be filled with anger. So feel your anger, so that you can let it go and appreciate the beauty that you have. You're a warrior mate. Don't go down without having as much fun as you can and rubbing it in that bitch cancer's face.
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