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June 14, 2018
I don’t know why I decided to do this to be honest. I guess I need an outlet? I don’t know. I
Lately my dysphoria has been hitting me harder. I’m getting tired of everything. My hair has been bothering me so much but tying it up gives me a massive headache. My oversized isn’t going shit to help me at all. I used to not have bottom dysphoria but lately it’s been really bothering me and I just don’t know. I don’t see the point in it. I started looking it bottom surgery and I looked at the results and a lot of them don’t look like a penis, it’s a weird pole thing and I don’t want that. I’ve only seen like four that look even remotely like one. Everything else looks really weird and I’ve been really getting scared about transitioning and never being able to feel comfortable in my own skin and I don’t see a point, you know?
I don’t see the point of it all if I’m being honest. Why should I keep all this up? Why keep living when it’s not going to matter? Yes, dying now would cause me to ‘miss out’ on a lot of experiences but why does it matter if I die in the end? Why should I grow up and do what I need to be comfortable in my skin if that ever happens but then die one day and leave all that hard work rotting away in the ground? What’s the point in all this? I don’t see one.
I tried texting a crisis hotline and it sounded like a fucking bot. Can you imagine how pissed off I was after words? I need help, I was suicidal, I was shaking, I was crying, and I felt worse after the text. I know for a fact if I called the hotline that I would have an actually person to talk to but I can’t It terrifies me, I can barely talk on the phone with teachers when I need to about school work, so how will I be able to talk about all the shit on my mind? How I am terrified that the small shred of resistance to go through with it is just going to give out? How I stole a knife from the kitchen for self harming because the pencil and razors weren’t cutting deep enough?
I’m scared that I will go through with it, that I would do that to my sister and my dogs. Those are the only things keeping me from falling over the edge at this moment. But the reasons why are out waying the reasons why not to do it. I want to get baker acted. I want to get institutionalized so I don’t do it. But with this family, that won’t happen. My mum knows about me for years now, so does my dad. The therapist I had for a few sessions after my sister had her ‘attempt’, was a crackhead and bat shit crazy and made my anxiety spike massively. So that didn’t help.
So, I’m going to rely on my kitchen knife for strength to keep living and if I ‘accidently’ cut too deep and bleed out, so what? Right? Right.
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NO! Not so what! Please don't harm yourself! I'm a real person not a bot and I'm telling you please don't hurt yourself!
ReplyPlease! I won't be able to sleep tonight knowing that you dislike yourself so much that you want to hurt yourself! I love you, I support you, I am with you holding your hand!
ReplyPlz don't think of that! There are people who would love to support and miss u if u ever go away
ReplyYou can't continue cutting if you one day hope to be better.
If you don't want to do it because of your sisters and dogs, why is self-harm okay?
Your sisters would be mortified if they learnt of self-harm.
If you don't want to stop for yourself, stop for them.
Everyone has a bright future ahead of them eventually, including you and your sisters.
All self-harm does is set you back from that future, delaying it with no due reason.
It feels helpful and liberating now, but it always comes back to make the situation worse.
Please don't keep doing this. It doesn't give you any strength that positive methods could give you.
You are loved. We aren't just bots, we're real humans that love you from around the world and it hurts us to know that you're going through these hard times.
Stop it for yourself, your sisters and everyone that loves you. ❤
ReplyPlease, you are loved, important, and made for many great things in life.💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟
Reply