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5/30/18
It’s getting closer for me to leave Flagstaff Arizona. Or Arizona in general… And I really want to be happy but I feel like I can’t… My self harming urges have been getting really strong and instead of harming my wrist and arms I’ve resorted to doing so on my thighs, which is just… awful of me… Drawing on my skin doesn’t satisfy the urge to make it go away… Wearing bracelets doesn’t anymore. Holding an ice cube doesn’t make it better. It got to the point were I felt like hitting myself instead, and it reminded me of the time my ex friend told me I could put a needle in fire and place it upon my skin to burn myself.
But it’s so hard… I want to be happy when I go to see my boyfriend D... but instead I feel so ashamed and guilty and just… awful… I’m so worried for my mom, I feel like my brother is lying about coming to see me before I leave, I know my father isn’t proud of me… I feel like I’m ruining things in a way… Like how I felt in online schooling with K12. As if I can never make anyone proud or happy for me…
I did feel proud of wanting to go, not just for me but for both me and my boyfriend. For my anxiety, for experience, because of the fact I want to travel, I want to see what the world has to offer… But then I’m just in this… terrible state of feeling hopeless, not good enough and stupid. I’ve been trying so hard not to think about dying again. But it’s just always there... I guess like a back up plan…
Along with the thoughts and ideas that my parents told me, I know it was advice, but it makes me sadder... and more depressed… but it also makes me feel like a ignorant brat because of the fact It makes me sad…
And then I enter another state… of just… thinking everything is the same, that everyone lies, everyone will replace me… that i’m just too different for this world, that I really don’t belong at all… But I have to live…
But I suppose if I reach my lowest point in life… I’ll have the little messages on how I really felt. But also ones that will tell that I’m not really gone.
And I know there is a place in hell for me if I do try to die… But maybe I really do deserve that pain… Never ending torture… you know?
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please get a therapist. it can be hard to open about this kind of stuff, but you need to seek help. i am praying for you and even though you're a stranger, i love you too much for you to be doing this kind of stuff to yourself!! you are beautiful and smart and strong and even if you don't believe it, it's true. you don't know what your future holds and all the wonderful things that are going to happen and the beautiful lives you're going to change. PLEASE BE STRONG!! this is a battle and if you win, there is so much hope for your future. if you let yourself live, someday all this is going to be is a rough patch that hurts to look at sometimes, but that you have conquered and learned from. someday you're going to find someone who loves every single part of yourself, and if you end it all you're never going to be able to get that, and the whole world is going to suffer. repeat after me: i am stronger than my lowest moments. i can conquer this. i will get help, and i will flourish!!
good luck. its going to be a rough battle, and sometimes you'll want to give up so badly it takes every ounce of yourself to win. but you will win, you will change lives, and you will come back from this. stay strong, stay safe, and stay alive:)
may God be with you :)
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