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My mom was never diagnosed but very obviously had depression. I never saw it until I got older. We were very poor growing up but it never phased me. I felt rich inside or privileged even though I didnt have things the other kids had. I really didn't care about fashion or how people viewed me that much. Anywho, my mom seemed to always do things that would put us in deeper in the hole we were already in. I hated that because it seemed so obvious what priority was. She would take trips and travel or buy tons of clothes and go to different events. My siblings and I would be in programs that allowed us to travel and she would tag along or try her hardest to. I never understood why she never seemed to get tired or annoyed with the lifestyle we were living. Somehow we became comfortable with it. Other kids would talk about family vacations or family reunions and the idea, honestly, seemed so far out of reach to me. It just didnt register. I brought up our living conditions once(not in an angry or aggressive way). She denied ever being poor and claimed I was making her out to be a bad mother. I simply said that we were poor (a fact that we all new). I learned that my mother lived in this world of gradure. She hid inside the memories of the places we'd been and the things she has had. I'm going to be 24 in 4 days. I find that I'm beginning to do the same. Whenever I feel trapped or alone, i can feel depression slowly covering me from head to toe. It makes me want to leave and escape whatever I consider to be "home" or the place I'm stuck at. A place that is permanent until I change it. I return with the same depression but masked as a new beginning, just for it to seep out little by little and I want to run away again. My mom was in her 40s when she expressed thoughts of killing herself. I was young and never told anyone that. I was so afraid and helpless. I feel the same things for myself now though. Im not as strong or smart or as experienced as my mother. I know she's had these thoughts before she voiced them and I honestly think that she's had them for a while. I've had the thoughts before but quickly dismissed them. Saying, the aftermath isnt worth it and making jokes like, "A clean/quick suicide is too expensive," or "Do I leave a letter or a funny drawing or a treasure map to a box full of pennies with my birthyear on them and a rainbow unicorn mask? I dont have anything cooler than those." Thinking too hard about "how" it would be accomplished in a "suitable way for me" is the first steps of giving in isn't it? Logically there aren't many reasons I should be down. I am incredibly fortunate. I just dont understand why I have to feel this way everytime i feel as if I'm being placed back in reality. I think people like my mother and i dont belong on this plane. People like us beg to be "home." We just try anything to get back. However, my mother and I, are far too concerned about the people we care for. And we keep going because we need to. That isn't a good enough solution for me though. It's not even good duct tape...
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ReplyI've suffered from depression on and off all my life. Refused medication for years because of other people's opinions. I've self harmed on and off through life too and been admitted to hospital several times. I've tried Counselling on and off over the years also but nothing helped.
Finally I decided enough was enough and went to get help properly. Turns out I have a chemical imbalance where my brain struggles to release enough of those happy endorphins. I finally excepted medication and I've never felt better. The same problems and challenges in life are still there but that dark cloud has lifted and I feel like I can breath again. Be me again and actually enjoy life.
Go and seek help because you are not alone in this. Life can get better. Good luck
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