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Ive made the valiant effort to make this post five times now and it honestly seems like the world wants to deny me my thoughts. Today is a chainsmoke day and try as i might, I'm not getting time enough to have me and my thoughts alone. But heres another attempt.
So I'm spending a lot of time alone. I guess i should really be spending time with family seeing as how i just got out of my funeral clothes but i just can't see myself offering any kind of support. I can't stand tears or crying. It doesn't annoy me or anything like that, its just so heartbreaking to hear.
The funeral is done and over with and all my relatives are enjoying a feast. I see them in a nice big group passing around food and sharing stories. Laughter is abundant, it fills the otherwise gloomy afternoon.
Im glad we like to end a day like this as we do. With a giant dinner where everyone is invited. Doesnt matter what grudges you have, today is a day to bury the hatchet. I see sunglasses hiding swollen eyes, yet the smiles are genuine. Its amazing how losing someone can bring out the best in people. Its also kinda grim. I get that we're ending the day the same way we would if they were here with a feast to make the dearly departed proud. But why does it take losing them to become so close?
I personally think its a little unfair. We're a petty bunch willing to stab eachother in the back. We fight family over rivalries, curse eachother, and cross fingers in hopes of never seeing eachother again. Yet when it becomes a reality, we all hug eachother and become the weakest we could ever be. Again i ask, why does it take losing someone to actually be a family again?
It seems normal to them. Ive seen this song and dance at every funeral ive been to. Today we love and cherish one another. But tomorrow we hate eachother again. Mind you my extended family is huge, and seeing this happen over and over again just numbs me to it. I tend to slink off into the corners and watch from afar. I honestly want none of it.
Let them have their moment. If routine helps cope, so be it. I wont complain. Not today anyway but im content to sit in our old backyard and have my smoke with a can of off brand soda. The summer is still as hot as ever. Guess theres plenty of things you cant do anything about.
Im doing fine, just needed to write something.
Cheers and remember to praise the sun!
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Wow you are good,
This is good I told you, you need to try to write poetry
I love Poetry,
This is really deep too, and so detailed.
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