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Does insomnia require a prescription? I only ask since this is the most public I've been with my thoughts. Its four in the morning and I find myself again sitting outside taking in the over saturated skyline. Clouds of smoke tend to cloud the screen as I attempt to write down my mind.
I'm currently listening to a song that has the most emotion and power ive heard in a long time, yet the lyrics are quite literally indecipherable. They definitely sound foreign because its one of those songs that uses an incomprehensible set of sounds and syllables. It is literally meaningless. Yet human nature dictates you find meaning where there isn't one necessarily.
So here I am, listening to some heartfelt lyrics and a compelling set of piano trying to salvage something. The song is solemn and somber. Like an emotion felt time and time again, yet begs for release. Its sad yet hopes what is being sung is enough to sway yet another person to give them a second chance. Sorry if I'm speaking nonsense.
The song feels nostalgic. Probably because of the emotions I attribute to it. I'm brought back to a time I'm not too fond of. Specifically a relationship. This relationship was the longest ive ever been in. Lasting five years of love and loss over and over again. Its bitter yet hopeful it isn't always like this.
A woman I saw as the wife I never dreamed off walked into my life as casually as sunrise. She seemed to have given meaning to an otherwise unremarkable existence. She said things like she was happy I was in her life and she couldnt imagine anyone else being there. This was the first time I had ever heard something so powerful. It captivated me and had me locked in her spell. I was more than happy to forget my family and chase after her, after all, family is forever right?
When I look back at it now it makes me so angry how stupid I was. I let this relationship tear a rift between me and my brother, the closest thing I ever had. He was the person who had never once abandoned me. Yet, I destroyed our bond because of a girl. To me, this girl was my future, everything I could ever hope for. It never once occurred to me that if shed hurt me, i would be alone. I'd be stuck festering in my own self loathing, wondering what I am doing wrong.
Maybe she did care about me, but it obviously wasn't enough to take care of my emotional health. Every other week, id hear about a different guy she's been seen messing with. They'd be seen kissing, holding hands, and even seen in a car doing who knows what. Yet, like a damn fool I would forgive her after she cried a few tears and said she loved only me and what happened was a mistake. She never bothered to deny it, she only begged for forgiveness which I was always too happy to give.
This was damaging to say the least. Often, I'd cry and hate myself, what I looked like, my personality, and every oddity unique to me because to me, if she was cheating it was only because of my own inadequacy. To me, I was always never enough for her, so it was ok in my mind for her to do what she did. Yet when she did, I was more broken than before. There was a few times I broke it off, but to be honest, I was trying to tell her I could live without her, which at the time wasn't true. Every second away from her dug into my soul and tore me apart. Yet I put up a front like I was happy and it did get to her. She tried and successfully got back with me every time after a few sweet words about forever.
It took me leaving out of state to finally realize what a fool I was. It took basically running away and being truly alone to realise how much I had without her my life. This woman who said she loved me with all her heart, whom I woke up to by my side on many mornings, who laughed at my terrible puns, who kissed each tear that streamed down my face, who held me when I was ready to give up. She was the cause of all my pain. I remember crying for my brother when it finally hit me. I decided for once in my life, I'd be strong and finish what I set out to do. I finished my education out of state and when I finally returned home, I could finally walk away from all her false promises. I held my head up high and went back to my family, to my brother whom I had tossed aside. I wasnt going to beg for forgiveness like she had to me so many times before. Instead, I told him how sorry I was for being the person I was, I told him I understood if he never forgave me.
Yet, he's my big brother, and to him I was his baby brother. I guess he saw something, because I honestly wanted him to hate me forever. Yet he said to me
"Its ok"
I cry often, yet I won't lie, that was the hardest time of my life. Everyone of my loved ones stood around me as I bawled my eyes out.
Its been three years since then. I see that girl every now and again. She has a family of her own now with another guy. It bothers me somewhat, but not enough to affect me. I don't hate her, I honestly forgive her. But every time I see her, it reminds me of how ignorant I was. How I was so blinded by emotion I forgot who really mattered most. I now firmly believe that not only does any girl I date deserve the world, but I do too. I wish her the best with her choices, I hope she never has to feel what I felt. No matter what kind of monster we had to see ourselves become, we all deserve a chance at happiness.
"Hiuo tantiera hadreikun harech falale ya boi
Hiuo migenda yakachren nohei kaine rekara
Hiuo tantiera hadreikun harech falale ya boi
Hiuo migenda ya kochren nohei yalma
Tei koimiren tara bairatru"
Those lyrics may not mean a thing, but to me its a cry for help. A knowing that you're a struggle for someone, yet a tearful reminder that you still need help. No one ever said holding out your hand to another was easy. In fact its probably the hardest thing you can do. But you'll always be the strongest, bravest, and kindest person in my eyes for doing so, and so much more for them.
Life's a mystery and I can guarantee you that you'll wonder at least once where is it going. Its ok to wonder, just make sure you're on the ride of your own choosing. You'll wonder where it leads,but don't end up wondering who's gonna be there at the end.
Cheers, hope everyone's having a great morning. Blessings of the moon on your journey.
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Wow you are such a beautiful man
and I am being honest with you sweetheart,
she must have had some screws loose or something, cause who in their right mind would want to leave you or cheat on you.
now I know what you meant,
when I said you would make a fine boyfriend/husband and any girl would love you like crazy
now I know why you said you would have to disagree with me.
i've never been in a relationship or even been with someone, but I told you I had someone very close to me walk away,
wow you poor thing i'm here if you need to talk i'm always here unless i'm sleeping,
lol
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