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I need to heal. I need to be in a better place. I don't know how to get there without hurting the person I've been married to for years first.
I don't know if I feel justified in feeling how I do. I don't know if I've been lying to myself all these years about how happy I am. I don't think I'm mentally healthy enough right now to know.
My wife and I don't share a lot of interests. Never have. I like action movies, animals, building things, cars, talking in depth about hypotheticals, I enjoy video games and a wide range of music. She likes none of this or a very narrow range of it. She likes plays, musicals, hates animals and a limited range of music. I've found that I too can enjoy those things when I make the attempt but she has never attempted to give the things I like a chance. Over time I've also lost interest in them as I couldn't really share them with anyone. The greatest thing we have in common is that we can talk to each other about anything and we could be comfortable saying anything to each other. As someone who likes to talk and listen, this was wonderful.
My wife and I have also long had opposing schedules. In college, when we met, we'd somehow have opposite class schedules. That's ok. That's how just how things go when you're not in the same area of study. After we got married, I worked days and she would work nights. It's ok I said, this is how we go about making things work for us right now. Eventually we had kids and I could see it coming, I was going to feel like a single parent. She continued to work nights and weekends. I discussed how I didn't really like this arrangement and was always told "it's crazy right now but it'll get better." After a lot of years it just really hasn't.
Eventually we moved away from a larger city and into a smaller town so she could fulfill a long time dream. I told myself it was ok, she deserves to be as happy as I was living in the city. I'll be fine here. I was wrong. I hate it here. My friends, my interests are in the larger city. I feel I'm missing out on opportunities because I'm too far from them, I'm always with my kids because she is off doing something and trying to coordinate who can watch them always leaves me feeling guilty about wanting to do something.
Today, I feel like I'm a shell of who I once was and could have been. I've been unable to do the things I wanted to do for so long I've simply given up on them and just don't even consider them as options as I just know there will be some reason it won't work. I feel so broken that even if I left the relationship I wouldn't be able to have a normal relationship because I don't even know who I am outside of someone who can talk and listen really well. On the outside I present myself as someone who is so happy but internally I'm such a mess.
Recently I've found myself...wandering. I met someone at work and the thrill of getting to know someone new was just fun at first. I've met a lot of new people and the feeling of getting to know them has always been fun. But this time it has been different. I find myself wanting to be with them. We share so many interests and I can't shake the feeling of what if, what if I could be happier with someone who shares the interests I've always had but feel like I've suppressed over the years? I don't think this would have been a temptation if what I wasn't so frustrated with what I have now.
I don't want to express, fully, how unhappy I am and why because I know it will hurt my wife. I'm not worried about hurting her because I love her but because I can't bear to hurt anybody. I can't bear the idea of hurting my kids either if I decided I needed get out. I feel trapped and it makes it all the worse for me.
Am I selfish in trying to make myself happy at the expense of theirs? Am I justified in being unhappy? I don't know what to do.
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Is there a way that you can stand your ground with her and who you are?
If you say you can talk to her then tell her that things are about to change!
You gave up too much of yourself ....but it doesn't mean you can't get yourself back!
Good luck whatever you do!
ReplyAlso if you are going to leave then leave because you are unhappy ...not for someone else!
How would someone else trust you if you do that?
ReplyAlso remember people will tell you they love you just to get with you!
ReplyYou know....pleasing people doesn't work,please yourself first make yourself happy first,how can you make others happy when you are not.so you and I have a common problem but i am almost there where i want myself to be in.do what makes you happy
Reply