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i feel restless. My family is a mess , i'm a mess, everything is a big fat mess and it always has been . It so painful . It feels like drowning over and over . As time went on, i just found a way that allowed me to block it out.Daydreaming . planning. obsessive worrying about the future.As long as it isn't the present , i feel better. maybe that's why i feel so disconnected from myself when i write stuff like this .I'm tired of not knowing the answers to anything. "Whats wrong with me ? " has plagued my mind for years .I'm irritated all the time , angry and sad when I am in the present. People usually think that I am happy because i'm usually browsing social media , listening to music , daydreaming or reading a book . Not being here makes me happy. I don't belong here.I feel like that's the truth . I feel like being around my family is bad for both me and them. I always snap at my brother and talk back to my mum. Also , i lake empathy i think. My grandma has had a hard life and has taken that out on everyone around her.That includes me , my mum , my brother and my granddad (not related by blood). I've grown up watching my grandma abuse the people i care about mentally and physically sometimes and it was and is frustrating . once , when ,y brother was still a baby , we where about to cross a road and my grandma slipped and my brothers pram went into the road.My mum being preoccupied helping my grandma, i got him out of the road.But in that moment, i didn't care. I didn't understand why my mum was panicking. the road was empty and my grandma slipped . so what? I don't remember much after that just....secretly hoping that my grandma died in hospital.But she didn't. I kept it to myself for years , feeling bad about it . Now i don't. I genuine hope that she dies or gets help that she clearly needs (though she refuses to admit it ) My mum and brother still love her and care about her and i cant understand it . I understand shes my mums mum but no matter who it is , if they abuse you in ANY way , they don't deserve anything from you. My grandma tries to make up for her "episodes" with money which we cant refuse because we cant afford much on our own due to family reasons and accepting it just makes me feel so cheap . Sorry big rant. In conclusion , I feel like i'm emotionally detached . A bit. Something happened today . Another "episode" of hers and I started imaging what id do if she hurt my brother or my mum. I imagined kneeing her in the face or kicking her square in the chest and kicking her to the ground. And its sickly satisfying. don't get me wrong.This isn't a regular thing.Just when bullies towards me or usually my brother seriously irritated me .I imagine hurting them so bad. and i like it. I'm not a violent person. I'm large but i'm a big softy and would never hurt anyone (I've only ever toyed fight with friends) so it doesn't make sense. Its like I have a twisted side.But i knew that already. And i'm desperate to see whats wrong with me and stick a label on it like "anxiety" etc etc. I just want to know whats wrong with me.I'm sick of not knowing.
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I think its wrong to accept money off someone when you hate their guts...if you hate someone you should tell them then leave them alone...grandmother or not...if you hate her then stay away from her because theres nothing worse than someone smiling to your face and hating your guts when you're back is turned...makes you no better than your grandmother and its also wrong if your mother and brother only tolerate her to get her money but if they genuinely love her then its not really your business to interfere with their relationship
Have you tried to talk to your grandmother about her issues because maybe she's the way she is cause noone has cared enough to get to the reasons behind why she is the way she is...compassion and understanding can go a long way in healing someone but if you just hate her guts, end of story then don't accept money from her because it makes you no better than she is
ReplyI think your right about me . I would like to stay away from her though if i do i know i will get scolded by my mum and brother who genuinely love her. They just don't understand. There are lots of people in my grandma's life such as my granddad who has stuck around for over 20 years of all kinds of abuse because he loves her in a way and has always always always been on her side .
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