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I open my eyes from napping, and my body is paralyzed. An intense feeling of sadness rushes over me, but I feel numb, as if I have been used to this feeling for as long as I could remember.
Almost immediately, ill-fated thoughts flow through my mind, which all stem from one thing; Alcohol. Throughout my adult life, it wasn't people who were there for me, it was alcohol. Alcohol made me feel better, when I was depressed. It was alcohol that was there for me, when friends weren't.
Coming to this realization, I began reflecting on the times I tried to quit. To be sober felt as if I were alone. I have no friends now, no one to do anything with, barely anyone to talk to online, and a socially isolated job.
I try hard to stay fit, knowing that the rules of attraction are the only possibility of me finding a mate. To stop drinking is to sever myself from the only friend I have left. With this newfound hopelessness, I elevate my stoic being. Nihilism comes closer and closer to becoming a living and breathing reality. What is the point of life? Is it the endless pursuit of achieving a specific release of chemicals in the brain, is that what "happiness" is? Looking on the past only makes life seem shorter and shorter. Small fragments of time remain in my mind of things that i've experienced, and the more I forget, the more I become a creature of my immediate surroundings, forgetting who I am, what makes me special, why someone might care for me.
In shortness, I came to the realization that nothing makes me special, I am not unique, and why would anyone care for that? I've been truly alone for 5 years now, no friends, nothing to look forward to. At least Alcohol fills my universe with color, where there is otherwise only empty voids of blackness.
Only a few minutes have passed, as I stare at the ceiling, but in those moments of reflection, I can safely say that I am done with this, with everything, whatever life is. I want to go back to the timeless void from where we all came. The place before birth, before time, before flesh breathes life into whatever this consciousness is. I am done with it all.
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You really should seek professional help. It can be a hard thing to seek out, but it will really help. I was in the same position you are in. I drank to much to feel any part of myself that was still whole. I isolated myself and drank myself into what I believed was a worthless slob, but it gets better. Once I got sober and started getting my life together everything changed. keep on keeping on. I hope your life turns around soon!
ReplyI don't know your situation of why your really drinking but it will get better with time, and when you find the right Lady it wont matter if your fat or skinny she will love you for you, and I believe in you that you wont let the alcohol control you, you will control it, I believe in you even if no one else does because you sound like a very strong man and can and will pull though this, and Killing yourself is no way to end the pain. I'm sorry that you are hurting but their is others out there just like you, you my friend are not alone.
ReplyOP here; Long story short, my son's mother decided to choose drugs instead of help take care of him. Was awarded custody of my son. She has visitation rights but has chosen not to see him in the last 3 years (since she didn't show up to court, so she defaulted).
Things have been hard, and since becoming a single parent, I haven't been able to be social or find friends or even have anyone to really talk to. He is almost 5 now, and I haven't "gone out" for 2-3 years. Maybe I just need a break. I work all day in a blue-collar job and when I get home, i'm exhausted. I've sought professional help before, but it's very difficult to help someone who thinks they are right where they belong, let alone someone who "doesn't want to be helped."
I've met others like myself before, outside of groups, and it only seems to worsen the condition.
I suppose i've made all the mistakes I never thought I would ever make, like falling into a "single-parent" status, or misssing career opportunities. Now i'm struggling.
OP: your going to be fine you have a son that needs you don't be like his mother he needs a strong man in his life and you are strong weather you know it or not I feel it, that you are cause if you weren't you would have already killed yourself and you haven't, Sorry not sure what OP stands for i'm guessing your name maybe, and as I said 2 days ago when the right lady comes a long she will love you for you. Maybe you just need to take some time for yourself get on a dating site or a social site and just kinda talk, I think you really want a womans attention that is why your so sad cause you want to feel alive and loved you want someone to come home to, and ask you how your day was have dinner cooked for you and someone to talk to make you feel something you've been missing for years.
ReplyMaria; Here
OP: your going to be fine you have a son that needs you don't be like his mother he needs a strong man in his life and you are strong weather you know it or not I feel it, that you are cause if you weren't you would have already killed yourself and you haven't, Sorry not sure what OP stands for i'm guessing your name maybe, and as I said 2 days ago when the right lady comes a long she will love you for you. Maybe you just need to take some time for yourself get on a dating site or a social site and just kinda talk, I think you really want a womans attention that is why your so sad cause you want to feel alive and loved you want someone to come home to, and ask you how your day was have dinner cooked for you and someone to talk to make you feel something you've been missing for years.
Are you Okay you didn't respond back to my comment,
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