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“No one teaches you to love a child you didn’t plan to have. No one shows you how to transverse the emotional complexity of loving a child you weren’t happy about being pregnant with. It’s even more difficult at those time when they’re having tantrums and pushing you to a point of emotional exhaustion.”
I wasn’t ready for you my love. Though, I wouldn’t trade you for the world. Sometimes, I don’t want to be your mother. I’ve been caught between abortion and financial burden, and I chose that. I’m sorry I couldn’t have given you a happier life, filled with emotional and financial stability. I did my best for you, believe me. Sometimes I think about how successful I would be without you. Shame on me for bringing you in this world unready, and not being prepared to love you like a mother should. I was forced to play mommy and daddy and I sucked. I took my frustration out on you at times because I hated my life. Since you were born I’ve felt alone, unloved, stressed, depressed, angry, sad, and suicidal. Because of you. No one can understand how PPD can be fatal. Sometimes I wish I could end all of my misery but, that would be selfish. You don’t deserve to be without both parents. So I have to be your everything, No matter what.
I don’t deserve such a beautiful, brilliant, and happy princess like you. Your too good for me. You deserve so much better. I can give you nothing. Sometimes you have to go without food or electricity. I’ve had to break a few laws to give you diapers and food. I’ve had to do unforgiving things for money, to pay your school tuition. It’s not fair to you. I pray, when you get older, you’ll never experience what I went through. Most importantly, I pray you understand me and why I’ve done what I have done all for you. I’m not the perfect mother but, I’ll never let anyone harm you. I’m sorry I didn’t choose a better partner, to love you unconditionally and be present in time of need. I pray you never end up like me. I hope your better, and I promise I’ll do everything to make sure you are. Even if I have to be miserable forever. No matter how much I hate my life, I’ll never give up on you.
2 years ago I accepted a challenge. I sacrificed my freedom and my livelihood for you and there is no turning back now. You have made me into an ambitious and hard-working women thus far. That is one thing I know I couldn’t have done without you. So thank you.
Be strong. Rain or storm, we’ll get through this together.
Sincerely,
Your Mother
(Author of ‘The Hole’)
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