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I don't know if I've ever really expressed how I feel about myself before. Keeping emotions bottled in like this, it tears me apart, living day by day, struggling to breathe, struggling to live. I feel that I'm one of the people whose sole existence is a burden upon other people. I mean, who would like me? I'm short, I'm fat, I'm unbelievably annoying. I feel like my existence is just an annoyance. All I seem to be good for is being there for people, when they've no one else to turn to. And I can't help but feel that I hurt everyone I come across. That my struggles, my emotions, are just one more thing that they have to be burdened with. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I'm not as bright as everyone says I am, nor am I a beacon of hope to look to. In my life, there have been many contradictions. I have strove to do what is right for most of my life, but more often than not, I fall well beyond short, and am left as a hypocrite, against my own philosophies. Every time I fall short, I think to myself, I can do better. I've seen it, I've felt it. But the more I've struggled, the more it seems that I've failed. Am I just beating my head against the path, prone to only do what the winds called destiny would have me do? Or can I fight against fate, struggling all the while, suffering, and make something of myself? I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself how anyone could love the creature I see in front of me. I, beyond anyone else, know my faults and my weaknesses. And I think, because of that, I see the futility of my resistance. I'm crippled with sadness, and I am left crying, in a pool of my own weakness.
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A life at odds with your values will always cause you to feel like everything is futile. It's up to you to become the person you want to be and build the life you want.
ok so maybe you're not bright in the way that others think or some kind of beacon of hope for others. But you can begin to build your future one step at a time.
ReplyTo struggle is human. Change happens one step at a time. It's important to love you for who you are, not who you think you should be. If you so struggle with your values, then you should know, everyone does. As long as you're taking steps to doing what you should think you should be doing, you can take pride in your progress. Change doesn't happen overnight, it happens one step at a time.
Take some time for yourself, maybe write a list, find what you love about you. Find what you don't like too. You can't change everything about yourself, so don't feel down about things you can't control. Rely on your friends around you. Despite what you think, they truly do love you, they're your friends.
Hang in there. Sometimes, it's just enough to live one day at a time.
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