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(sorry for my english)
Why do I deserve to be happy? Why do I need to live? Why though... for everything I've done, why?
Will I be capable to financially support my parents and my poor sister who is a single mom if right now I still can't take care of myself probably? I can't make enough money for take care myself. And I know in the future I will not marry, I don't want to ruin another person life. Will I be capable to financial myself when I'm older? I know I will die alone, but is anyone will discover my body if I'm alone? Will I live long enough? But why I need to live long if I feel empty right now? Seemed to be I can't do anything - my body so heavy that I barely breath that sometimes I forgot to breath. My arm and finger too heavy to do things that I need to do to survive, to satisfied my family and society. People tell me that you need to live for yourself, but why? Why I need to live again? This question has haunted my for many years and I still don't have the answer. Maybe I still live right now because if I die, how my parents gonna live without their son, what will everyone say? They are kind of people who worry too much, so I can't let myself die before them. Maybe when my family past away, I can go. I don't know yet.
Can I graduate on time? Will I make it? My GPA is okay, but still I'm not satisfied with it, because I know I'm better, I think.
Will I have friends? Like I know I "have" them right now, but just in class. Trying to be in a group but zero success. I failed in middle school. I failed in high school. And now I'm a senior, but still like I never feel that I becomes a true friends with my classmate. I tried my best to become helpful - with homework, with their mental health, physical health, to become the one will stay their sides if they need help. However, will it be enough?
Do I good enough? I don't know. I know that comparing with others is bad, but I can't help myself with that.
A reason to continue to live, because of the wealthiness of others, because of the happiness for others. That keep me alive till this day. Is it strong enough, because I keep thinking about my death every single night - when there's nothing to do, nothing to keep my mind busy. That's why I always exhaust myself till I pass out and "sleep".
Why does people can hang out? I feel that there's too many things to do to let myself relax. When was the last time I have a real vacation without bring a laptop to work, to study and discuss about subject in school. And if I have a real vacation, will I deserve it? Maybe I don't.
I can't control my words. Somehow someway I will offend somebody no matter what. I know I can't please anyone, but I know because of my words and action which sometimes can't control it for some reason that I left out.
I heard advice to see therapist, but in my country there isn't anyone. Maybe the one in hospital, but I don't have the luxuries to afford that, besides, if my family knows that I went to a place where society thinks it's only for the crazy, super bad mental health to go there, how can they not worry? I don't want to make them worry.
As right now I don't know which one is myself. I can act easily according to the situation, the environment and who I met. Maybe because I did it too much that I don't know who I am right now. Sometimes I do things that I don't remember that I did it, it's like completely different action in some scenarios.
- Writing in a day that I need to finish a project immediately.
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