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I would like to share a story about the bully who is never addressed in the narrative.
5 years ago · 1 · Bullying, +10
1352
To start my story with a positive note, as I would understand it certainly does a wonderful job of painting a depressing tone is that these days I have moved on. I have gotten to do something I love and have had wonderful memories and made great friends and had adventures that are a dream. However, this was separated by years from an event that even today, amongst all the other great things, I still look back on wondering what would have happened should things of been different. I wanted to be an actor. I did since I was a kid. When I was at my first high school, the kids made fun of my obsessive passion with the stage. There were 2 forms of bullying I received. There was the ones from people outside of the theater group, who would do the traditional things you would expect, and smack my head against a piano, call me f***** and other unsavory names, and just general bullying. These things, honestly didn't get to me as much as the second type of bullying, which was the reason I left the school was the bullying in the theater section of the school who would not cast me (and the only reason I say this is because they told me saying that I would just be considered egotistical by claiming this publicly) that it was funny to see me upset and they were just doing this to have time to hang out and didn't want their free time bothered by someone who was actually trying to be there. Anyway, when all of this came to light, I decided to change schools. I applied to a school that allowed you to actually study many art forms, one of which was acting and I auditioned and got in. You can only imagine where my excitement began. This is, however, the spiral that turned my life upside down.
Year 1, I found out quick that I had learning to do to be an actor in the real world. Good wake up call, but I learned.
Year 2, It got harder, but I got more grounded and found that I had a talent for writing and directing, as much as acting but while I was better at the former, I wanted still for the latter.
Year 3 I met the bully I want to talk to you about.
We all know the stories of the kids who get bullied by their peers, but we do not often know the stories of the students who are bullied by the teachers, and even more rare still, do we know the stories of the students who are bullied by teachers our peers love. I'm wondering if I'm alone in this, but I honestly feel if the conversation were started, I have a feeling I wouldn't be alone in such. I need to tell you the story of a woman, I'll be labelling Ms. GD (her initials).
Ms. GD was hired to join the school for my final year of high school. I'm auditioning and applying to colleges this year and am getting ready as well as trying to retain the last bit of high school I can. I get her acting class and I'm excited. I try to be an enthused student. Now here's where things start to go out of hand. Now I notice she starts calling me out from the group saying I'm not doing as well as the others. Fair. I may had not been. And that's fine. She's there to criticize me and tell me how to improve. But in retrospect, and I know this from years later, that her criticisms were more a statement of platitudes, not actually showing me what I was doing wrong or why, just that I was doing it "wrong". Now again, this is acting so I suppose it can all be chalked up to the world of theater and just deal with it dude and get better. However, there are lines that are crossed. I just need to give you some context for where things get particularly bad. Now through my time I befriended one student in my class. I'll call him ES. ES was really kind to me throughout my senior year. The thing was, if the teacher thought I was bad, students didn't like getting paired with me for acting projects. I'd just bring down the group. So they wouldn't like rehearsing with me, I'd do poorly, and blaming my peers was immature so I was caught in this position where I had to rehearse alone and must be making excuses if it was because peers didn't want to work with me. ES though, was the only student in my class I got along with and had happy moments with. How interesting it was that he was the only student I didn't get a chance to work with in our class.
Now, we are onto a point where we are acting out particular emotions one day in a class on Rasa Boxes. For those of you who are not inclined towards the acting world, I'll sum it up quickly. For those of you who are in the acting world, please forgive the quick description, but understand deeper interpretation is esoteric... step in the box, emote the emotion that box has written on it. I step in the anger box. I start screaming in anger letting it build more and more. Eventually, I find my anger being replaced with tears. I start screaming and crying as frustration builds in me. I eventually get overwhelmed and run out of the class. I find a place tucked away and start crying to myself. ES finds me. How, I don't know. I guess he was just a good friend. He sat there and said he was worried about me and hoped I was okay. Later that day I'm called to Ms. GD's office. I go. I sit down as she says that I'm not to take my personal life into the room and if I can't keep it under control, then I have personal things to work out. She also points out I'm not in shape and that could explain why I'm upset. She then tells me for the week I must not come to class but instead to the school's gym to work out and if I don't, I'll be marked unexcused. I do.
Now, towards the end of the week I get an email from Ms. GD telling me to come to class. I show up to a very sad class. Someone is missing. ES. Ms. GD ends up breaking news that ES was expelled from school for smoking marijuana and that it's a sad day for the ensemble. My heart was torn. What happened next, is very important and is the type of bullying I would like everyone to please pay attention to. My teacher then turned to me and said how I need to understand that this is my fault in many ways. I brought down the group. I brought down the energy and exerted negativity upon the entire group. Spring break was coming up the next day and said to me, in front of the class, that I was to write an apology note for letting down the entire ensemble, group, and anyone else I had hurt with my actions.
I decided that day to quit being an actor. I have always believed if it hurts more to fail than to quit, then you know you are doing the wrong thing. since that day was the first time I felt that, I knew it was time to go. And I will admit that I did find that writing and directing was a safe haven that I got to learn a lot from but gosh, I do wonder if I may had been able to be an actor.
5 years from that year I heard she was accepting her tenure as well as recognition for her impressive work with students and her dedication to the betterment of lives around the world. For some reason, when that sank in, I hear that her work was worthy of an award, and everything shut off and I tried to kill myself. YEARS later. I had almost forgotten and it got to me. I guess that's what triggers feel like? I wouldn't know. I guess it just clicked. Anyway, much counseling later I decided to start fresh and pursue filmmaking where I have been ever since and I feel blessed for it. I really am able to be the storyteller I always dreamed of being. However, my self-confidence, my public speaking, and self-image are damaged. People tell me I can sing, but I hate my voice. People tell me I look good but I see an ugly human. I don't like acting and am scared to try again. It's ingrained in me. Yet this lady is proudly a valued member of the community.
This is a bully who got away with it. This is a bully who will not face her day. All I hear is about the bullies who aren't worth your time and how you got to turn the other cheek. It's hard to, when people call your bully wise, inspirational, kind, beautiful inside and out, and a pleasure to be around. They won't hear your calls to the contrary. In fact, it's honestly why I fear ideas like socialism or utilitarianism. It is a good practice, to be concerned for the group. What if you are the smallest of margins though? The one who's qualms are quelled by the mass consensus? You become an outcast for a subjective disdain of someone whose job is to help you grow. It doesn't heal. It fills you with spite. I have a good life but have not moved on from this. I just want to tell this story because I don't know, I feel like there might be someone out there, who was in my shoes, and I know I may get flack for it should it ever come back around towards anyone who knows who I am and who I'm referring to, but I'm more concerned about the kid, whoever they be, who may be in the shoes I was once wearing. I can't sit another day thinking there may be someone else who is facing what I faced and might be thinking that killing themselves is the only way.
To this hypothetical person. LISTEN TO ME. Keep going. Do not stop. Just trudge. If you get into that school for acting, or whatever you study. Accept it. Don't turn down the offer because you are convinced you can't really act by your teacher. Don't skip auditions because you are convinced they are going to say no. Don't find yourself saying no, because you are definitely going to hear it if you don't try. The worst that can happen from your efforts is a confirm of what you are already convinced is going to happen. Be unapologetically you. Nobody can do that for you. I am sorry you found the one person shaming you for it, and worse, sorry they have power over your life. If this person be reading this. Find a way to get a hold of me. Leave a comment. I'll give you my contact info. I want to talk to you. I want to get you through this. I want you to follow your dreams.
To anyone who thinks they have seen this happening to your peer. I understand why you did nothing to save face for either your grades or your image. I also understand that your apathy is noted. I am not saying you are doing anything wrong. I just insist that you know that that's how I saw my peers and it may be how the kid saw you. If you approve of the teacher's actions. I find you to be a callused individual and have nothing to say to you.
To everyone, thank you for reading this story. Thank you for letting me share. I feel better already having typed all this out. It's a lovely world. Let's not forget that the deepest shadows come from the same universe as the brightest lights and concur they are direct causes of one another.
Good day and peace and love to all.
NRE
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I am glad u shared but feel terrible about what the bully did and said. You don't deserve that
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