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I keep wanting to say something to you. I have so many thoughts in my head. I miss you, I miss us but I know it's all my own doing. It was weird hearing you talk about how unusual and not normal our friendship was and it was true, it's unhealthy and I had been lying to myself for the longest time and I'm suffering because of it. And now you are moving on. Even though I don't actually know what you think, I feel like you are. Going back to your work, new bed, new room, new love interest, the whole cleansing your room. It all screams new beginning, and I see it so clearly. I have to back away. I can't want you to have something that negatively impacts you while you're doing positive things for yourself.
I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop looking at your name, your face, it's disgusting, it's crazy, it's pathetic. I had a dream about you, you were with the white dude and I walk out of my room to find you both fucking in the hallway. I called you a bitch and a cunt and "how dare you allow something like this to happen in my house." I kicked you both out. I was so frustrated, jealous, sad. It's unreal. I woke up hurt, my body was shaking, I felt sick all from a dream letting me know of my own jealousy.
I can't be a good person, it hasn't even been a week since we last spoke and it feels like I'm having withdrawals from a drug. It's annoying, sitting here and seeing all these things come forth about myself. All it does is further the notion that I'm no good for you in anyway whatsoever.
My head is starting to feel fuzzy, everything is becoming a blur apart from my immediate thoughts and feelings. I can't focus. I can't analyze myself. I haven't gotten everything down yet and my mind wants to give up. Maybe I'll come back to this. How can looking at you cause me so much joy and pain at the same time, it truly is ridiculous.
I need to stop. I need to get over you. But I don't want to. Even though that's the wrong thing to do. I can't take it anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm just getting angry at myself for not dealing with this in a better way. It's over between us, relationship, friendship, it doesn't exist anymore. I need to accept that. I know that none of this is good for you, everything I do only brings you down. I know this. I need to back off, I need to give up, I need to accept this. Otherwise I'll make another mistake. I'll give into temptation and try to make conversation with you, I'll ruin everything again. I don't want to do that. I just want to stop being so useless for you, I can't do anything right by you. I can't do anything. Why can't I just fuck off, why can't I leave you alone, why am I so obsessed with you, what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm just breaking everywhere. Temptation wants me to let you know that's it over between us for good, but it's just a front to talk to you. I'm sure you already know there's nothing more for us. I can't give in, I can't make another mistake. I keep hoping you'll say something to me, anything. But I don't even know what I should do if it happens. I don't know, and so I don't want it to happen so I don't experience it. I'll be conflicted between feeling happy and sad at the same time. I'd rather not go through that frustrating feeling. I'm just trying to cope with reality, and I can't rely on anyone else for this.
Temptation is still there, it's hard to fight it. If I were to say anything, it'd would be too obvious about my intentions and feelings. It's bad that I think my feelings would affect you in some way, but I think that's normal. People react to anything whether it's positive, negative or indifferent. But if I don't say say anything, then you can't react, and if you don't react then it can't affect you. So really saying nothing at all is best for you. To not cause any sort of unnecessary issue for you is what I want. Even though I so badly want to speak to you again. Fuck, it isn't supposed to be like this. I don't know whether to distract myself or sit with all of these emotions, it seems too much for me. I can't remember the last time I ever felt like this before.
Since I started writing, it hasn't even been more than six hours. I stop writing, try to do something then you come back into my mind and then I can't get you out. Then all the emotions come settling in and I start writing again. Can't even go 30 minutes without you coming up in some shape or form. This isn't love, it's obsession. This is so fucking pathetic of me. I can only laugh at myself upon realising that. What do I do? The emotions are real but the root is poison. What am I supposed to do now?
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Wondering why you are so bad for her or each other?
ReplyI feel like I bring her down. She has her own issues and when I'm not around she starts to help herself and get better, but when I'm around she just becomes comfortable in not helping herself. We both have our issues and that's probably why we connected well.
Replylucid dreams.....i loved him once and he left me...he used me because i made him look good, now i cant go a day without him on my mind...all those memories never leave me alone...so what i want to say is....yeah...that person means the crazy shit to you...but they are gone now aren't they? they are disappearing slowly....until....they are just another picture another hurtful memory...you know its ok to feel this way....just remember....they did love you at some point.
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