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Dear mum,
It’s hard for me, so I know it must be much harder for you. It’s not easy and it will never get easy for me. I told you this so many times but I feel like you don’t care about what I say. You dismiss what I say and I feel like your laughing at my problem. Maybe because the demeanour I am showing is expected of an older sister to her younger siblings. I am not a mother, but a sister to my little brother. Yes we may have a 15 year age gap, but it does not mean I have the expertise and willpower to look after your son. I know you said to let him grow the way you brought me and my other two brother up, but I don’t like that upbringing.
I feel like I do the hard load. You gave birth to him so please do your part. You take him to school, the doctors etc but I feel like I do the more emotional drainage child rearing. I feed him, do his whole bed routine every. Single. Day. I bathe him, educate him ect. I don’t let you do it becuase if I let you do it you will let him do whatever her wants. He says he won’t brush his teeth so you don’t brush his teeth. He say she he won’t wash his face so you don’t wash his face. He says he won’t go home without going to the shops so you take him to the shops. But when he misbehaves I do the discipline. It is so hard. I broke down today from all the stress. I couldn’t take it. I work with him on his education, teach him how to play the piano (even though I don’t be know how to play it myself) and that itself is stressful. When he doesn’t understanding something after I repeatedly explained something to him, I lose my patience and shout. I also hate being shouted at for not doing something right and for not understanding something. I became a hippocrite through my youngest, beautiful little brother. I love him so much and want the best for him. I want to give him everything I never had. Today I realised that I was affecting him emotionally when I get upset with his work. That was when I broke. I needed alone time. I hated myself. I hate myself. I just wish someone understood me. Maybe I am overreacting for a 19 year old, but I can’t deny the way I am feeling.
Mum, you told me to slowly stop looking after him as you will do it. I should but now I can’t. Me and my other two brothers turned out fine. Yes your upbringing is fine but I just want to tweak it a bit. I want to teach him manners, respect, self awareness, independence much earlier than when we learnt it. To this day I lack confidence, self respect and independence. If I can help my little brother to have them then I am satisfied. I want him to have the best.
I know I should mention my dad but what’s the point. When has he ever taken care of us like this apart from going to work and whatnot. I have never seen my dad even feed my youngest brother till this date. I can’t even remember what he has done for me. My childhood memory is a missing part of my life. I cannot remember much.
Everything has been off topic but whatever’s. Anyway if I ever decide to have children then I will have them super late.
Im sorry for all this mum. I know how you’re life is and how my dad and his family treat you. I don’t wish for all those things happening to you to continue and for it to have happened at all. You are precious and I don’t think think you feel loved. I love you and I have never told me because it’s awkward since I can’t remember you ever saying that to me.
You are better than dad to me anyway lol. That’s why I can say whatever I want to you and not dad. I can’t even sit in the same room as him. It’s just so awkward. You are the best to me even though you don’t know half of my life because I can never feel like I can talk to someone about it without feeling pity.
Peace out.
- You’re only daughter who is a pile of rubbish.
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