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I can't write down anything anymore. Even though my mind is full of various thoughts. I can't put anything into words. I think I've given up, it is just too much. I don't want to make sense of it anymore. I'm done, all I have are more questions, why, how, what does this mean etc. It's neverending. All I know is that all my feelings come from a negative space, so I cannot explain my feelings because they are immoral. Any instance of me trying to express my thoughts and feelings is bad. That is what I keep coming back to, that is what situations keep reaffirming to me. I just can't do it anymore. I can't even tell anyone this. This in and of itself comes from a negative place. Just the fact of me putting these thoughts down, just reaffirms all the negative issues about me. It's just me, it's all me. All these thoughts and feelings are affecting me, so I want to write about me, but I shouldn't because the bigger issue isn't how I'm feeling, it's how others feel. And it's hard because I don't want my feelings to be discarded, I don't want to feel misunderstood, but what choice do I have. I don't have a choice, this is the wrong thing and I have to do the right thing which is think about others. My sense of self is meaningless in regards to everything, I don't matter, everyone else does. That is just the way things are, to try and change that is wrong. It's just wrong, I am just wrong. Whatever feelings I get, it doesn't matter, put it to the side because it is wrong to focus on me. Whatever I think, is wrong, it is not my opinion that matters. To be honest I shouldn't exist. I feel sad, hurt, broken, useless, but that doesn't matter, all that leads to is pity for myself, it changes the order, it is wrong to change the order, I do not matter. It is hard because the feelings are there they come up instantly. Why don't you matter, you are a human, everyone has these moments, why are you telling yourself you don't matter? Because nothing good ever comes out of it. If I realize that then I need to stop. I ended up writing again but this too is something I need to stop. All I can do is struggle internally with myself, because I want to be good even though every instance of me is bad.
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You got quite a shame monster. May you have peace.
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