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I never open up to people, I always just handle my problems by myself because I don’t like dragging people into my messes. It’s never fun to watch someone you care about go through something tough, especially when you can’t do anything about it. So I just suck it up, and walk my lonely road alone. And it’s funny I’ve gone over this story so many times in my head trying to be my own therapist, but I never imagined sharing it. Here goes, a lot actually. Growing up I was pretty care free. I thought if people were already staring I might as well give them something to stare at. So I was just really goofy and always trying to make people laugh, even if they were laughing at me. I didn’t used to mind because at least I was making a few people’s day brighter. But kids are kids and they said mean things because I was the weird one. Those mean words can’t get to you if you don’t let them. I think people forget that it works the same way for positive words too. As I got older I had this shift in my way of thinking that that I couldn’t control. Mental illnesses are 50% genetic, I guess I was just unlucky and the symptoms started. I began to believe all the mean words that usually rolled off my back like water on a duck. And the words that stopped getting to me were the ones that really mattered. Everyone who has ever told me they liked my drawings, my voice, my hair, or my personality, their words went in one ear and out the other. I tuned them out and refused to believe them because I convinced myself they were lying. I didn’t think much of it at the time, I thought everyone was a little hard on themselves. Little did I know I was being more then a little harsh. Nothing was enough anymore, my expectations of my self just got higher and higher. It was like climbing a staircase that never ends with a weight on your shoulders that gets heavier and heavier with every step. I was on this downward spiral and I ultimately blamed myself for it. Desperate for control over my mind I tried a lot of things. Self harm, to painful, and to noticeable. Controlling what I ate was less physically painful and noticeable, so no one had to be worried. But let me get one thing straight, an eating disorder isn’t control it’s fake, it’s a voice in your head saying “do what I say and it will be enough” but it never is. A voice that used to be my only friend turned into something so toxic, with one little shift. And you can’t stop it because guess what, you’re not the one in control anymore. At this point you know the dangers you’ve seen the statistics, but it’s to late now. Everything is a blur, you can’t focus on school, or your friends either so they leave because you’re not your self anymore. You’ve been taken over by the voice in your head promising a happiness that never comes. And you can’t tell your friends that because you want to protect the people you care about from the mess that you know you’ve become. You can’t tell family especially because they’d be crushed and know they’d never understand because you don’t even understand. You’re just stuck on the lonely road you chose externally screaming as you fall deeper and deeper into darkness. I didn’t feel anything anymore, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t eat, I could barely stand, but know one knew. No one knew how close I was to giving up. I met my dad after he’d been gone for 14 years when I was to messed up to realize how much of a mess he is. He came back to my family for money and he sees me as an object. But he got married. To the sweetest most kind woman I knew. She gave me hope, she gave me a reason to break free of the prison I made for myself, a reason to get out of bed. I was excited again, motivated even, for the first time ever I wanted to go to my dads house because it meant seeing her. All the creepy and terrible things he does didn’t mater anymore because she had my back and I wasn’t there alone anymore. And that’s when the real struggle began. It’s one thing to be scared of your emotions, but it’s another to face them. At first I tried to go straight to the top of my mountain, no turning back and no slowing down. I had so much determination and I didn’t know what to do with it. I attempted recovery, all on my own. Not wanting to be part of a statistic but to afraid to tell anyone what I was going through, in case I’d lose what little friends I had left. I had to get better, if not for me then for her. I didn’t want to lie to her every time she asked about my day, because she was always honest about hers. But that voice in my head was still there, begging for attention every day. I didn’t want to listen to it anymore, but it wouldn’t go away. Depression is a war you either win or die trying, and I wasn’t going down without a fight. I deserve to be more then a statistic everyone deserves to be remembered, she taught me that. I won the first battle but the war wasn’t over. She got sick. She got really sick and lost hope and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t strong enough to help her yet, school was starting again, I was feeling more lost and stuck then ever, and even though I was stuck the world wasn’t. School was coming so fast, I panicked. A million thoughts racing through my head each one more toxic then the last I lost my grip and I was back on that downward spiral. I thought I had no choice but to pretend everything was okay. I was so focused on trying to act like myself that I wasn’t myself. It was like I wasn’t even there, like I was lying to everyone. Everyday was the same, I had no motivation again but no one noticed. I never let my mask slip off even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I got up every morning for school knowing I’d just get knocked down again. With every blow my mask would crack a little bit more. I couldn’t hide it anymore people started to notice and they said I had no right to be depressed because my life is perfect. That I just wanted attention and if I really was depressed I should prove it and kill myself. And I almost did. Just as the toxic voice in my head won, it finally went quite death was now the only thing on my mind. I tried once and suddenly a voice came back, it asked “what would this do to the people around me?” The people I’ve been trying to protect this whole time, how could I be so selfish? I collapse to my closet floor. I’m still not very nice to myself, but after that night I realized that at the end of the day I’ve got my back. No one wants to die, they just want the pain to end, and death isn’t the only option. I thought I had no motivation but everyone has a will to live, no one goes out without a fight. I can be there for people while also being myself, I don’t need to be perfect I just need to be okay. I consider myself a pretty strong person, it takes a lot to knock me down and now I know takes a long time to build me back up again too. There are still ups and downs but now I know you can’t go straight to the top of a mountain, you have to go backwards sometimes. The past happened and there’s nothing you can do about it, you can only learn from it and move forward. Even if you feel like there’s no reason to move forward, because there always is. If you can’t help yourself, help others and then eventually you will learn how to help yourself, I promise. That’s what got me to where I am today. So I don’t know what else to say, just thanks, for taking the time to read my story.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
I read your story and saw that there were no comments, so I just wanted to verbally acknowledge your story here. I want you to at least know that you are heard <3
but if any other support or further advice etc. is needed, just comment back and I will reply. Let me know otherwise, and I'm there (:
ReplyI’m okay really, I found a group of people I really like and they encouraged me to do this actually. Thanks I really appreciate the reply it means a lot <3
ReplyNp anytime ^-^
ReplySo inspirational.
Reply