Sarah227..My Unsent Letter

What is wrong with me I feel like something is wrong with when I look at you I feel like breaking down and crying I know the look of pain on someones face, cause for many many many many many years I battled so much pain I couldn't find peace no matter how much and how hard I tried after you had left trust me I tried so hard to find peace but there was no peace once you left

it broke me and hurt me to the core more and more everyday and one day I was about to kill myself I had the knife and the courage to do it more

then you know I wanted to die It hurt living without you by my side and having all the crap I went through pushed me more and more everyday and the sad Part I didn't have you to make me feel better as you did before. Before I had ur hugs and all ur luv you showed me before you would have made me smile when crying. you did everything my mother and sister didn't and when I was builled you stood up for me and made me feel so luved more then you know cause my childhood was very rough and many don't know heck even my family don't know it all cause I would rather not tell them,

God told me you still cared about me and I saw it that day we locked eyes I saw it from that point on, cause when I turned away and stopped looking at you, you sounded like you was about to cry and looked like you were about to cry, I didn't

Know I had that big of a hold on you but I see, you waited every day to wave at me or smile at me at the end of the road every single day why, I know what God meant By you cared about cause I saw it everyday before you went to work. you wouldn't even cuss if you saw me outisde you would change your words just for me. and Yes I know you heard someone and I arguing and when I yelled I hate bullies you heard it that is why you changed you wanted me to like you. lol I already did like you cause I see me in you, your hurting and is taking out your anger as I did I would get very angry like my mother and I hated it cause I want to be nothing like my mother I wanted to be better and if I ever have kids I want to treat them with Luv, and not hate them I'm scared they will turn Lesbian like I was or Gay, what if they do How can I prevent it, I know it is stupid to think But I was so what if My kids turned that way. I hated myself so very much every time I looked in the mirror I saw nothing but my past and it hurt like Hell, I don't want my Kids to have to go through That I don't want them to take On that sin, I changed to serve God. and Not hurt God, I never meant to hurt God, But even though I sinned that Sin God still told me you still cared for me and that made me want to live I needed that,

That push got me praying ever day just to see you I just wanted to know you were still alive. I needed peace so I prayed and I prayed for a long time but when I heard you was moving back in all the pain I ever felt like it was washed away. Lol and I know when you first saw me you was ticked, You was very ticked and called your Mom and yelled into the phone saying you didn't tell me she lived here talking about me. I think your mom yelled at you and told you, you hurt her and left her cause you talked like you was in trouble like she yelled at you. Lol Go Mom lol. She was more sweeter Mom then mine But I never saw her as my Mom cause then that would mean I would have to see you as a brother and I never did I saw you as my best friend and crush, I'm sorry if I hurt you by not looking at you anymore I never meant for it to be that way. I just felt like I wasn't good enough for you and if you want to leave this town I don't want to be the one that is in your mind and it makes you feel guilty. I care about you more then you Know. But I want you to be happy and with me I'm sure would would never be you like to hang around with people and I feel I can't hang around people they scare me. and I go in to panics I'm sorry Hun there is someone way better out there for you and I will continue to pray for you to find her but I really don't think she is me. But you will find happiness I know cause If I can I know you can Luv Your Sarah.