The constant "what's wrong with me?"

I am constantly in a state of doubting myself and trying to figure out what's wrong with me.

Seeking online for answers on my own,as I browse through the internet for information through reading articles,medical studies and such. To then, finding myself and being brought into doing these self-tests analysis of my own. Which, rather a lack for a better word some what bullshit qualified tests online that,leaves answers with "potentially or possibility" indications that there might be something wrong with you.

I feel tormented by not knowing what's going on with me,to put my mind at rest, cope with and handle the situation in the best way that I can. With or without help.

There's some difficulty at times to entrust in strangers to tell you exactly what's wrong with you,without the probability of it being a faulty diagnostic. Chances at that can be minimal. No doubt,in some ways, it would be much better then a self-diagnosis.

At the moment, I am feeling lost for what I'm truly trying to figure out and do about it. Perhaps, it's the idea and fear of it being worst than what I initially thought it would be. Almost torturing myself for that "I need to know answers".

It's fair to say there isn't a wrong in seeking the guidance and help from others. Of course, through the right sources inevitably. It's something that i already knew and caught intwined in a battle of I know what I must do,and yet, I stand pretty hesitant on the course of action infront of me. All due to uncertainty.

The what if's you can say.

I don't know why I do this to myself and why I must ponder around in my thoughts debating, whether I should entrust in something without fully knowing the outcome of the circumstances.

You can say I'm more of the think first before doing type of girl. At times, it does come across like I am procrastinating and I detest myself for it.

I know not moving isn't an answer,nor will it resolve the problem either. It most certainly doesn't take a genius to know that. It's not great to end up in the cross fire of doing absolutely nothing and just over thinking about everything deep within your own thoughts. Mixing the two can be deadly and drive you mad.

Oh dear, it's fear,pride,stubbornness and nearly forgot to mention pessimistic, distrustful and paranoid. All of which attributes to what I already knew about myself...

When you spend enough time alone it truly reflects on getting to know yourself,a little too much for your own good.

Build up energy in the mind of over thinking combined with doubts and seeing different scenarios, that turns into a no go zone. Instead of directing it into something productive.

Anyways,it brings me back to "what's wrong with me?"

It's safe to say that i do recognize how I have issues and I'm self aware.

The question is what is it?

Am I just confused,lost, and have low self-esteem.Maybe.

Do I possibly suffer from mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, paranoid personality disorder(PPD), borderline personality disorder(BPD), post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD),avoidant personality disorder and what ever else that it could be?

Trying to paint the whole picture,putting the puzzle pieces together and reanalyzing what's really going on with me. I fail to find,come to the end result and final conclusion for the right answer.

To be frank, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I dislike to say it but I think I need help to figure it out.

And so, there it is.

-J