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I pulled into my driveway. I drive at least an hour to get home from work. I typically need that time to sort of decompress after stressful days at the hospital. But today I was so agitated and it wasn't until I pulled into my driveway and peeled my hands off the steering wheel and took a deep breath that I realized just how stressed out I was today.
So I took another breath, got out of my car into the cold air and looked up at the dark and starry sky, the crescent moon. And I realize my stupid heart and my mind are a mess. I spent half my drive home having a conversation in my head with a guy who I'm pretty sure just used me and doesn't care much about me and basically breaks my heart. I spent my day taking care of a 100 year old woman. The littlest, sweetest woman who sobbed every time I touched her. Skin and bone, couldn't eat. Chest tubes, skin tears. No family came to see her today. She's dying. At one point I was holding her hand and she said "Don't let go. Stay with me." And it shattered me, I just wanted to sob. And I couldn't. I had to tell her that I had other patients to see. I hated myself for having to do my job. And it wasn't until I got home and took that deep breath that I started crying.
So I look up at this gift, this starry night. My heart hurts for my patient. My heart hurts for me. I feel utterly alone and I wonder if that's how she feels.
-M
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