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I look pathetic. I am pathetic. I cry more now than the 20 years I have been alive on this planet. Barely two weeks have gone by that I've turned 20 and I have cried so terribly bad. Worse than I have before. I feel like I dont belong anywhere. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I have felt this way for a while... But it was never this strong. I dont know what this is. Sometimes I feel like disappearing. I feel like killing myself... But I was never one to actually try. I'm not known as a suicidal person. I save suicidal people- or at least I try to. I know being 20 is being an adult but I feel so bloody lost.
When I was about 16-17, I used to skip classes with this friend of mine and when my parents found out, of course they were furious. Everyone told me to break all ties with this friend and to be fair, this person was kind of an asshole.
Now that I'm 20, this person has changed for the better and I've gotten into contact with them again. It's ironic really. I saved him in his darkest days and now he's here. Always there for me. Always there to listen. My family hate him. They dont like me either. They really are a piece of work if you ask me. They say that I'm unloyal and that I turn my back on everyone. That I only talk to people when it suits me.. Or when it's convenient for me. Or when they're interesting or whatever. Isn't that being human? I never saw myself as a horrible human being but if I am, it makes me so sad.
This hurts me alot. I have tried. I have always tried. Since I started school to university, I have tried my best. Even when I achieve something, I'm just given a pat on the back. Like it was easy to do. As if it was a piece of cake. Now that I'm in college, I'm falling. I'm falling deeper than I possibly could. When my family find out, they're not gonna give me a pat on the back. They're gonna hurt me with words like they always do. My dad, one of his favourite lines is "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never harm you." He says that he treats us this way because the world will not be kind to us. I however feel like these words have harmed me. I feel like these words are scars on my body. I will always be hurt by them and remember them in my darkest times. They'll be there to attack when I'm at my most vulnerable.
I feel like I dont belong here. I don't belong in this family. I want nothing more than to just end things. Whats the point of living with people who think that you're a weasel. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of everything. For the first time, I am actually seriously considering self harm. Not suicide. Just self harm. I feel like it might help a little. I dont know what to do. I have been crying for almost an hour now and it's tiring.
I'm lost... I'm so very lost.
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I know where you are coming from. Words can sometimes have the most power over us than anything else. I won't offer you a moral approach because morals and justice can also fail us in our time of need. You are not just what everyone else says you are. I read a book a while ago that said: "You cannot become a source of joy and happiness to a few without looking like a joker to others." The way you express yourself, your ideas, your beliefs, and convictions are a part of you. The opinion of someone else shouldn't alter them, not even if its a family member. It's your life and your persona. They are not the ones who define who you are. College is a time where you transform, although most people don't realize it. The important thing is that you are growing, you are understanding the things you are passionate about and what you seek. Don't harm yourself for learning how to grow. Even the smallest of things like getting out of bed earlier than the day before, completing an assignment you struggled with, and taking the time to let yourself be peaceful are worthy. These insecurities and doubts that you have can be a result of expectations that others are putting upon you. Don't let them get to you or bring you down. Trust yourself enough to know the difference between what you need and what you want. Trust yourself that even when you fall apart, you can recover bit by bit. Ask for help, follow the things that you know will build your strength and love yourself enough to believe in yourself.
ReplyThank you so much. Your words made me smile through the tears. I hope you're doing well. x
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