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Dear mom and dad,
I've never told you how much it hurt me because I know it would either kill you to know, or you'd instantly defend yourselves, but when I was scared to go to bed as a child and you responded with locking me inside my room, punishing me by switching my backside until it was red, and telling me I just needed to pray....it messed me up. I still get scared to go to sleep sometimes as an adult, and I'm not sure why. But I sure as hell won't share it with my partner because I'm still afraid he'll see me in the same light that you did. That I was being dramatic. Just looking for extra attention. That I did't know how to cope with everyday stress.
Did it never dawn on you to get me therapy? Maybe let me share a room with my sister for awhile? Would it really have been so bad to let me just stay asleep in the hallway, because I felt safer there, instead of yelling and screaming at me and then locking me in my room, leaving me to pound the door and scream until my throat was hoarse, like some sad character from an Emily Bronte novel?
The worst was when it got to the fever pitch, and you told me I would have to pick the switch you'd hit me with myself if I came downstairs again. And as scared as I was to be switched, as much as I dreaded the pain, the red marks, and the humiliation of being bent over your knee with no clothes on, I still came downstairs, because whatever I was afraid of in my room scared me more. And instead of pausing to ask yourselves why I was terrified, you instead went outside, grabbed a small tree branch, and asked me to bend over.
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I am always incredibly amazed by how strong people who have been abused as a child are. You are incredibly strong and you never ever ever ever deserved what you went through when you were only a kid. It must be very difficult to cope with that and I am proud of you that you kept going. You need to keep in mind that it was NEVER your fault and that you have always deserved a happy and loving life. Sometimes we have to choose our own families and that's okay, sometimes that chosen family is a romantic partner, sometimes it's a friend and sometimes it's yourself. I wish I knew how to make you feel better but I sadly don't. I can only tell you that I am proud of your courage, and that there's a girl in spain sending you all her love and support <3
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