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I don’t know how to feel anymore. It’s like one day I woke up I was 23, married, gained 50 pounds, have no friends, have no passions, terrified of the world, scared of myself, I have absolutely no idea who I am and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m constantly in this haze and that I’m never fully awake. I have always dealt with things myself and I don’t know how to reach out for help. Cause every time I want to my brain just says “NO!”.”They don’t actually care.” “You can figure this out on your own.” Even though I know.....I know I need help but I’m too scared to ask for it. Not just scared of judgment but my anxiety and depression just yank me back and make me feel like I don’t know where to begin. We have no extra money. So I feel like going to pay for something or someone is not logical when we have other things we need to take care of. It’s like I know what I need to do but I can’t. My husband constantly begs me to talk to him but he’ll never understand. And it’s like when I do talk to someone they make it seem like it’s so damn easy to just flip a switch and be happy. Like I can just all of suddenly accept who I am andbe happy with myself. When I’m just not. When my entire life has been me judging myself, listening to others judge me, and no one ever teaching me about self love. I can feel myself slipping farther and farther away and it getting harder to pull myself back out.
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