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I grew up isolated. I dated Jane for three years. I moved states away. She broke up with me through text. She wanted short term relationships. She dated a man. I hated him, I even threatened him. She blocked me. They broke up later. I reached out pathetically through email. Convinced her to unblock me and just be my friend again. I talked to her but nothing ever seemed normal. I was still the person she broke up with. An obsessive, verbally abusive nobody. I tried to kill myself a couple times. One thing led to another and she blocked me in conversation. This actually happened a couple times. Throughout this period, I was texting her friend- begging her to convince Jane to unblock me. I mindlessly told her I wanted to murder Jane, even though I love her so. I grew up developing homicidal urges and she knew this. When Jane's friend became irrelevant to both of us, I had no contact with Jane. It was like that for a while. Recently, I tried everything. Adding her on Facebook, Instagram, I tried emailing her. I just needed to speak to her like my life depended on it. I almost lost hope, but then she actually approached me. She accused me of having some kind of personality disorder for trying so hard to talk to her. Maybe she's right. It had been two years since she broke up with me, but I'm still in love with her. It turns out while I was blocked she had gotten with someone. I'm fine with that. I'm not the same person I was when I threatened her last boyfriend- even if I still have a crush on her. I've improved so much. I started a medication, I started therapy, I did research. I even tried to socialize at my school (though I don't like anyone there). The hardest part of my life right now is maintaining my cool with Jane. Yesterday night I broke in tears and basically spilled my soul into a text that stated that I'm not the person I used to be. I'm better. I'm not a freak. I'm not verbally abusive. But the next morning, Jane only replied to a minor aspect of the conversation we were having that night- instead of replying to my heartfelt message. Later I asked her why. she told me I always had my 'late night episodes'. But the truth is, it wasn't just an episode. It was the truth. So I asked her right then and there; do you believe I've changed? She told me she believes that I think so. Nothing else. I told her that I will spend years proving it if I have to... but there's no point. Even if I convince her I'm a better person, im just an acquaintance to her. Nothing more. Not a friend, just a voice or an ear she enjoys ranting to. I'm nothing to her. She's everything to me, but I'm nothing to her. She always tells me not to worry when I apologize because it's all in the past. But I feel, secretly, she's scared of me because of the hurtful things I said when I was a dumbass. But even with that aside, I shouldn't love her. But I do. So so very much. I'm heavily considering suicide. I don't think I'll ever get over her. I'm sorry for the long read.
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