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It’s going to happen soon, I can feel it. It’s my birthday this upcoming 8th of November, so i’m trying to wait until after so it doesn’t have to be a reminder. I really am focusing on making this the best birthday, so that I can die happy with a memory I can hold onto as I drift away from this world. Every little thing has caused me to break down, and at times I feel myself becoming emotional for no particular reason, staring blankly at my ceiling with nothing in my head, just emptiness settling deep within in my chest, antagonizing me to just get it done with. Every time I open my eyes, I just wish I wouldn’t have to anymore. It’s a dread to just get out of bed, and it feels like now, more than ever before, everyone and everything is against me, telling me it’s time to get it done with. Not sure what exact day it will be, but I’ll leave that up in the air to whenever. I wrote here before, but I hope I won’t have to anymore, and that this will be the very last time, finishing it once and for all. The last time I’m putting out my pain to the world to see me, bare and afraid.
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You're right you are "bare and afraid", but I think that you're brave too. In my experience, people don't broadcast that they are going to commit suicide unless they want help unless they want someone to speak up and try to stop them. I know that I can't possibly know all of what you're going through or experiencing right now, or what made you want to end it, but I think that I can relate a little bit. I've struggled with depression, self-harm, and thoughts of suicide since I was eight years old and I don't want to lie to you and say that everything will be rainbows and daisies, because sometimes it seems like it gets worse. But I've learned something over these years, that I wouldn't have had the chance to if I had killed myself. I learned that despite the days where you can hardly get out of, the days where you've convinced yourself that the world would be better off without you, or the days where you're sure that it'll be your last, there are people who love you. There are people who want to be there for you, who want to get to know you because they see you struggling and they don't want you to suffer alone. I want to help you and I want you to know that I'm here for you, if you ever want to talk. I'll be here and I'll listen, to anything you want to say. No matter how long or how short, even if you just want to say "hey". Because I wish that someone had been there to listen to me, that I didn't have to pull myself up on my own, and I want to be able to help pull other people up. I'm sorry if I went on a tangent or if I wrote too much, but I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you need me.
ReplyI don't think I could have said it better myself.
OP I don't know you, but reading what you wrote tugged at my heart. I'm here if you need me too.
Replyhold onto a happy memory as you drift away - wow that is really a very romanticized idea of what d e a t h is really like.
do you know that you can learn how to cope effectively with your emotions? yeah. you can. and when you do, things won't feel as terrible as they do now.
ReplyI think maybe getting out of the environment you are in instead of taking your life.
Reply