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I'm tired and scared in this world, it's all that I've truly remembered throughout my lifetime. To be afraid of people, to just keep quiet and silent for other people's benefit. To not bother talking about things about how I'm feeling, or ask for help. I've always been more concerned for others more than myself, it's a simple fact that I cannot help or seem to learn my lesson from. Every day I try to distract myself and pretend things are fine when it's not.
I'm tired of war and pain. I'm tired of living in fear. All I want is to feel safe in this world, and whenever I get to that point and start to feel happy with myself, who I am.. and confident... something always happens to knock me back down to where I belong. I feel every sigh of which the planet makes, I hear every gunshot and war cry like ghosts of memories of the past before I go to sleep. I feel other's emotions while I'm just a ghost in a shell, disconnected from a battery - unable to think. Yet I was sent to help others no matter how banged up I get, or how others treat me?
Sure... I live in a house, have food on the table... but that doesn't excuse the fact that they aren't family and I feel like is their captor! Either way, at this rate nither of them, will live very long at this point. Whatever they're dealing with is toxic, and I'm tired of being around it. Sure they claim to be my parents when they are really strangers - as much as I am to them.
To all of this confusion, the only thing I can do while writing this is weep.
I JUST WANT ALL OF IT TO STOP! If not for one moment. Just to be able to process everything that is going down. To just maybe be able to save me from this loop...
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interesting. most people who are living amongst gunshots in war zones have little food, often no electricity, and certainly no internet.
ReplyI kinda meant it as a figure of speech...
ReplyI used to feel that way about one of my parents, since she occasionally did emotionally abusive things.The world does have a lot of issues , evil, and ugliness, but if you truly look you’ll also find blessing and joy. Look for the blessing in your life and appreciate it. And when someone hurts your feelings, or you emotional state is despondent, remember your blessing and remember to hope. If a parent is constantly hurting you distance yourself fill your time with other people and try to find their positives. Like I said earlier I used to consider one of my parents wholly toxic, she might’ve been at times, but so was I . Now I can see her pros as well and have a more healthy relationship.
ReplyI don't really have long anyways, he's going to die in five years due to smoking. At this point, I don't even know if I want to even bother to try. I try to look around for the good in things, but sometimes it's just too much. All I think I really needed is to rant and get it off of my chest. Thank you though.
Considering I also have depression and both Him and i are bipolar, it's not easy to stay positive. I just need to keep myself distracted and everything will be okay.
ReplyI think the same for myself. i just want to go to bed and not wake up.. but... Things sometimes get better.... when your only at your lowest, is when you gradually start to make your way to the top.
Reply