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Over the past couple years, my life has become complicated as fuck. Two years ago a relationship ended that was breaking me, I became anorexic and stopped taking care of myself. Nothing mattered to me. I put him and the relationship above all else. All he did was neglect me, abuse me emotionally and mentally. Until something inside me snapped, I started to chat with another boy online and I loved the attention I was getting from this stranger. Attention I craved from my partner of years prior. I met him, and it escalated quickly. I was terrified, and ended it before I did anything I would end up regretting. Was this the right decision? I stayed in that broken relationship and it took a toll on me, depression, cutting and attempting suicide followed. And then my breaking point hit; he ended it. I was free but I was torn. I craved him back, and hated myself for wanting him back. A week went by and he tried to come back and I told him to fuck off, that I was done with his mindgames. The events that then followed led me to something I never thought I would do. He began to threaten me, with blackmail and extortion.
At this point I made a decisions that may have changed my life forever. I called my friend who I had known for awhile was working as an escort. I asked her how it all worked. I asked all the questions I could think of and then I went for it. Since then, I have payed off all my debts, I have learned to love my body and to take care of myself first. I healed. And I’ve begun to move on. This new guy in my life has known about everything, my past and present. And he has chosen to be with me but our relationship is complicated. He is constantly around escorts, this is how we met. He is an amazing person and I have fallen in love with him. But he also tries to protect my feelings and often I find he’s keeping things from me. We have an amazing relationship, with communication and understanding, and we have an excellent sex life. I believe he would never do anything to hurt me, I know this. Despite the bad, I love him unconditionally and we talk everything over.
What I have always had an issue with is trust. How to trust. I have met so many people with broken relationships and unfaithful men, how can I possibly believe in love, and in monogamy when the path I have chosen has shown me otherwise.
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