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I had an affair with a colleague who was temporarily transferred to my office.
I’m single, but he’s been in a relationship for a couple of years with a girl from his home town.
It all started fun and sneaky. We would try our best to not be noticed by our colleagues. I still don’t think they realised about our affair. When he’s around, I felt invincible. I felt like I could do anything. I was so happy with myself. It’s no longer fun when feelings get involved and reality hits us.
I started saying sorry to his girlfriend in my mind at night, sometimes even cried for her. I started feeling ashamed of myself thinking I wasted and invested time for nothing. When I started this affair, I didn’t expect anything from him. Now I want more. I want recognition. Why? Being the other woman makes me wonder if I am just a fun fling he uses to escape reality. Most importantly, I just want to be able to be with him without feeling ashamed or guilty.
Being in this relationship makes me feel ashamed of myself and has stripped me away from my own confidence. Never in my life I thought I would have degraded myself into this position and hurt an innocent person.
I asked him to make a choice: her or me. Whatever the outcome is, I would be happier than I am right now, even if he chooses her. I love him but the pain of losing him would take a lesser toll on me than wondering if he can truly take me seriously or being ashamed of myself.
At the same time, I struggle with letting him go. He recently got transferred to another office but his shadows lingered. I am now in a state where every little thing reminds me of him and I cannot focus on anything but sadness. Yesterday one colleague asked me a little help with a product my lover worked on. Many things at work reminded me of him. Even restaurant names, his birth year, my clothes, etc reminded me of him. I’m constantly in depressed mode and having trouble getting out of it.
I’m sure I can get over this one day but I don’t know when it will.
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You should of told the girl friend to have some peace of mind.
ReplyI am so sorry to read what happened. It's obviously in my opinion a very painful and difficult situation and very personal life journey with a coworker you have lived.
Contrary to what others have posted, I would not suggest you tell his girlfriend, as what good would that do than add to everyone's difficulties, sadness, and feelings of confusion? I see you as a victim here, as this is not something one faces normally every day.
In addition, notions that mention there wasn't anything there between you and your coworker also ring hollow to me. Obviously there was some feelings and love occurring or you would have never been so intimate.
Sometimes those involved in marital or couple infidelity never grasp the full reasons why they make these deeply personal choices. I would suggest there is often no quick or simple answer, or immediate explanation.
My perspective is to not regard infidelity as a weakness, fault or shortcoming but a cry for help, a yearning for love and understanding that people in a relationship actively seek. It is not a veering or straying away but a journey to find what one is missing or lacking in one's life. Infidelity in relationships is so common, yet many never capture the true essence of what they were striving to seek in these third-person relationships.
I hope you can read, ponder, and meditate what you desperately seek and yearn for in life. Sometimes temporary non-supportable often non-sustainable relationships are indicators of much deeper issues in the human psyche. I hope you can find self-reflection to see your coworker encounter and experience as a path in your life to achieve your true hopes and aspirations. Often as I counsel individuals and couples with these sort of clandestine relationship issues and encounters I find there is much strength and bonding that can come from relationships after an affair. Where besides the regrets individuals and couples may feel, hopefully the awakenings and insights can psychologically blossom one's self perspective and perception, allowing those involved to realize what is truly deeply missing or sought. Life can often go on after.a relationship breakup or painful loss.
The experiences of infidelity or turning to outside secret activities are sometimes the indications of actually much more pressing and greater problems and concerns in one's life, where I am never one to want to give cut and dry answers with what one seeks or finds in an affair arrangement, only that relationships not built upon actual trust, confidence, fidelity, honest communication, dedication, commitment and other values can sometimes be difficult to navigate and keep sustainable.
I hope you read, study, even research on the internet what infidelity in relationships is about. There are usually many books at a library written by clinicians and researchers who can give insight too.
In it all hopefully your deeply personal journal will lead you to find what your emotions, body, and soul so deeply seek to find in relationshipss. Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal situation. You are obviously a person of great love, compassion, and sensitivity to share such a deeply personal experience.
Reply* last paragraph I meant to say journey, not journal. Sorry for the typo.
ReplyThanks for the long, thoughtful comment AllisLost. I will take your advice and try to read more and understand better on this matter.
I have also been reaching out to my trusted friends to help me through this.
Sadness still lingers and there are so many triggers that make me miss him, but I feel like I am coping better now.
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