My Unsent Letter

To my person, my pressure point, my best friend,

It's been more than a year since things were okay with us; and If I'm going to be honest, I do miss you. Quite terribly so, actually. Sometimes, I find myself wondering how things could have been if I just let that thing that sparked this all slide. Maybe I could have been more understanding, more patient. This sounds patronising, but trust me it's not - I think I should have cared less. My god, it's been a year, and there are still days I find myself wanting to open up our chat box and tell you about my day, or ask you out to new restaurants, in the quest of finding the best carrot cake ever. I miss tagging you in random memes and talking about life and love and faith until two in the morning. I miss calling you out of nowhere to rant about my day or squeal about the good things in life. Do you miss it too? Cause I do miss your stories; your random texts, your professions of love, appreciation, and care.

It was hard for me at first - hard to forgive, hard to forget, hard to just accept what happened so we can move on and continue life as normal as possible. But you were relentless. You showed me that you cared and that you wanted things to be okay. And although I did appreciate that, I always was skeptical if these were just words and empty promises. Maybe they were. Maybe they were just words to help you ease the guilt; to make you feel less bad of how things ended with us. To tell you the truth, this thought got to me. I am utterly unsure of your intentions and your motives. And if we're really being truthful here... I acknowledge that It did make me happy whenever I see the gifts or notes that you send me. It reminds me of your thoughtfulness and your care. But this happiness only lasts for so long, because then I am reminded of your absence and this failed friendship. It is not your gifts, or your notes that I needed. I needed you back in my life.

I only realised so recently how I always find myself in a place of hope, thinking you're coming back. We're coming back - the old us and how we used to be; that maybe I was getting my best friend back. But, after that feeling of joy that you still remember me and think about me, comes the longer, more deep-setting feeling that maybe I'm a mere memory that you just wish to go back to from time to time. And so, I have come to the part where I point out the reason for this unsent letter:

My friend, I am done waiting. I am done hoping, and I am done hurting. You are a beautiful soul who gets utterly confused and "derailed" sometimes, but I do love you with all my heart. and I know for a fact that it will stay that way. But, I have to do this for me because I cannot wait forever. I cannot hope forever. I am closing my doors to whatever it is that can still happen because the lulls between momentary joys and hope are breaking me. I work hard to turn the wounds into scabs, but these lulls keep gnawing at them - making the wounds even deeper.

I wish you the best in life. I hope whatever makes you happy comes your way and that you find someone who truly loves you for you. I love you dearly, but this is my goodbye. We have hurt each other (unwillingly) time and time again this past year, and it is time for us to heal from the year that was. I know you know how I cope, so please, please be a stranger. Don't give me false hopes anymore. Let me move on in peace.

Have a beautiful life, my friend. Thank you for the three wonderful years. It is regretful, but I'm afraid this is your stop.

F