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Nothing is wrong with my life but I feel unhappy, I feel sad. I tries talking to my partner about it, but unfortunately they feel somehow responsible, which isn't the case. I am a returning University student. I finally made it out of an eternity of community college that never resulted in a transfer until now. The academic side of a four year college is extremely fast paced and demanding compared to what I am used to. I have the privilege of having a supportive partner that bestowed the financial responsibility onto herself in order for me to follow my academic fulfillment. No one has a college education nor a career from my family, so naturally, this is a fairly big deal for my family and also for my girlfriend. I am not contemplating abandoning my academic goals, but the pressure and the guilt of living off someone else's income is extremely difficult for me. I question myself and my morality as if I am doing something wrong, which everyone assures me I am not, but I feel it. I feel the sadness of being 33 years old and still in college. I feel my peers at school look at me as if they know I am only there to desperately try to alleviate poor decisions from my past. I find it humiliating when we go somewhere and my partner pays time after time. I hate the jabs that my family and friends make by stating "it must be nice to not have to work anymore", as if that is my sole intention or as if I have some kind of ulterior motive. How they belittle me for "just going to school", something they could not pursue themselves for one reason or another. How the people that criticize me are the epitome of what I don't want to be; I feel the animosity against me, I hear it in their body language. I perceive how they portray as less of a man, how I am somehow less of a human being because I am not an "adult" in the working field. My peers are also constantly boasting about how recently bought a house, or who just got married, had kids, who just got a promotion in their job and the specific dollar figure that follows it; all while concluding that I am "still in school". Some days I hate myself for not taking community college seriously ten years ago, for not accepting a scholarship out of state that my parents advised me to turn down just to avoid an empty nest. How I was expected to work, "make a living with your hands" and be a provider. And I wake up, over ten years later and realize I am still nowhere close to any of those things. Am I a failure? Will it be too late when I am finally "ready" for a career? All these thoughts resonate when I don't do well in a test, get a less than admirable score on an assignment, because there is no excuse for me not to exceed in every subject, "because all you do is go to school".
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Your post really hit me hard. I am 20 years old. Wasting away is exactly how I feel. There is nothing really wrong with my life either, yet for 6 years I have been depressed/sad. I mean my life is far from perfect. I don't have any friends. Im currently unemployed as well. But it's not like I have cancer or am not in good physical health. For me, my depression feel like it is literally attached to me. Welded onto my soul. I haven't felt happy in so long. I haven't been proud of myself or motivated. I have done things I regret too in the past. I made mistakes and fucked up. I really don't know how to get rid of depression. Or if there is even a way to get rid of it. I mean for some people who say they made it through depression. I don't think they truly had it. They were sad yes, but depressed? I don't think so. Depression for me is my mind not allowing me to feel anything good in the world. Idk I felt very compelled to reply to your post. One thing I have learned over my past 6 years of this darkness, is that isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do. I did it, and I literally have no support system anymore. You are lucky you have a partner that cares about you. Don't ever let that go. Whatever You feel you must do to feel fufilled in your heart, you get it done. Whatever others think, it's your life, you only have one chance to do it right. To achieve your dreams. No matter how long I have been sad, I never stopped waking up and going through my days. Just don't give up. Maybe get a part time job if it's making you feel guilty. Doing 25 hours a week isn't too bad and you can pay utilities with that to contribute. Whatever You think is causing your sadness, fix it as soon as you can. I made the mistake of ignoring my problem too long. Just know that sadness is something everyone experiences at different points in their life. Temporary sadness is Normal. However if you don't feel different in a few months consider seeing a counselor.
ReplyThank you, hearing this helped.
ReplyDude, I completely get you. Anyone who thinks pursuing a degree is just as easy as graduating high school has obviously never attended college. They won't have a perfect workday every single day, you won't have a perfect school day every single day. It's okay to be less than 100%, it's tough. On average, 20% of my classmates are older than the stereotypical college student. And they're the ones that are applauded most because getting back into it is so difficult. Just remember that the reason why you're going is so then you can use that field, those soft skills and hard skills, to get yourself a better job and help support those that you love.
ReplyThank you. I agree with you in the point you brought up about those who don't attend college but somehow have a perception as where the difficulty should lie.
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