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So, I was diagnosed with anorexia. I still cannot believe it even though I have been forced into weekely hospital appointments for two months now. My weight was 34kg at 14 years of age which really impacted my heart and was really dangerous for my health. Now I am at about 42-44kg which I consider as healthy, however I still cannot find my body beautiful when I look in the mirror. My main concern is my thighs which appear huge to me despite my weight. I tried some exercises but my thighs just seem to become bigger each day and I have that feeling calling for me to go back on a diet. Of course I know that that is wrong and the doctors in hospital still force me to gain weight but all of these appointments just make me more aware of my body and weight and make me want to lose it again. I cannot tell my mum or my dad about it as they would think that I have still not recovered and would make me go to hospital to those terrible doctors. But I know that I have recovered - it is just the aftermath concerns that I have. I have a best friend who is also very skinny and next to her I fell really fat even though my mum keeps on telling me that she is bigger than me and that I should not worry about our bodies. I don’t know. I just want to look in the mirror and be happy and not worried and anxious about my body image!
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I congratulate you on your progress to recovery! You sound like you are making great awareness and understanding. As an ongoing attending eating disorder survivor person myself I know it's about daily behaviors, attending my support meetings, and sticking to my goals. I know I find for me it's sometimes difficult to get past my thoughts, ideas, and destructive self perceptions. For me it's about seeking wellness instead of obsessing and partaking in self-damaging and destructive behahaviors. I really strive for getting to the core of what is driving my behaviors. Don't give up! You are on a positive supportive path! Find peer groups and attend local meetings. It really helped me when I heard others share their experiences. I commend you for being so brave!
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