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I feel like a failure. my body's too fucked for me to work, but not fucked enough to get on disability. I'm not good at anything, and when I try to learn or improve I just get frustrated to the point of rage and tears. I can't control my emotions, I lash out at the people I love, I dig my nails into my flesh but they're too weak to leave scars. sometimes I wish they would leave scars, so people could see how broken I am. my own family doesn't believe my pain is real, or at least that it's as bad as it is. not physical and certainly not emotional. they don't understand how fucking hard it is to be trapped in a body you hate, where both it and your mind torture you day in and day out and all you want to do is get better but you can't. nobody can help, or they wont and are just lying. fuck all the lies. empty promises. from things as small as "I'll make dinner tonight" to "I'll help you get treatment" why do people say things they don't mean? I'd rather be told "I wish I could help" than given false hope again and again for no reason. I don't need a miracle from people who are only human. I just need them to care. I *really* want a miracle though. it doesn't need to be some big showy thing where I wake up and suddenly I'm better. I just need a path to be opened. some direction to go in. ANY fucking direction to go in. I'm lost. I can't do this forever. I have one person in my life holding me together and that's a lot of fucking responsibility. I'm terrified that one day it's gonna be too much and he'll be gone. I wouldn't blame him. I'm a fucking mess. I want to fix it. I don't know how. I keep going to doctors and trying different meds but they don't know how to fix me either. I just want to be better.
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I too know the feelings. I am sorry that you feel these ways about yourself but you are so much better than what you say you are.. You will never be "fixed" if you never acknowledge your worth. Perhaps start by telling yourself "I am better than this. I am better than this hate. Than this fight. Than this anger. I am better than this."
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