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I'm getting lots of depression and PTSD this morning again. I don't want to get out of bed. I want to hide under my bed covers where it is safe and warm.
I wish some of my teen memories would go away. I keep especially thinking about some unusual things I have experienced in my very strange high school years. I was forced to stay with another family in the mountains of California. Their mom was my mom's best friend. My mom would leave me with them.
The family and especially the two brothers I lived with liked to hug and touch me. Sometimes it felt very comforting. Other times I felt trapped. The family would say prayers at mealtime. I didn't know at first how to pray.
I have always been slender and athletic but also very shapely. I think it didn't help how I looked. I know this sounds really rude, but I sometimes wonder if it would have been different if I had been fat or ugly. I should have cut my hair shorter or stopped wearing jewelry but I liked it. To me my long hair is just my looks, kind of like my big smile or hazel eyes. I just want to be me.
I am naturally shy, at least much more shy than this family I stayed with. I am understandably not as strong as either of the brothers. Sometimes the two brothers for a joke would hold my wrists and body. I almost always wore shorts, maybe leggings if it was extremely cold. The'd pull off my sleeping clothes, exercise shorts and top, bicycle clothes, or take off my bikini. I'd sometimes be naked and have no place to hide or get help. I would run. They would laugh and chase me.
I'd tell their sister. Instead of helping me their sister just shrugged her shoulders. I gave up even asking. I think she saw me as a pain, an intrusion in their family. I think she saw me as a competition for boys, or a threat to her friends. I wasn't out trying to steal her friends. Why would I even want that?
I wrote earlier on novni about this family always skinny dipping. I was forced to often live in a bedroom with the two brothers. Sometimes their mother would insist I even get in the same shower or bath to save hot water. It was weird. Really kinky looking back. Of course her sons loved it. What boy wouldn't like a naked girl soaping them down and washing their body or being in a jacuzzi bathtub? One brother was my age. The other brother was two years older. It wasn't a healthy or normal arrangement. Why would mom's even allow that?
The brothers sometimes used me as their private entertainment play toy. It messes with my head because sometimes I was curious or liked certain feelings they did for me. It's all so weird. I learned to just go along with things to survive. I have a daily masturbation habit I think from just always feeling nervous. I'd help them, they'd help me, only it wasn't good what we did all the time. I can see it really was like a strange mutual arrangement in some ways, us all living that way.
I keep asking myself why did my mother keep abandoning me? Whenever my mom showed up I felt too embarrassed to say some things I had been doing. I think part of the guilt was sometimes I liked the feelings, or the family taking care of me, feeding me, being nice to me too. I didn't want to live in a worse predicament. It was all very confusing because in some ways I really liked them as a family. We sometimes had lots of fun. They took me horseback riding and to Squaw Valley and Lake Tahoe. We were always out in nature or walking around town. The brothers would help me with my off road motorcycle so we could ride all our motorcycles together, or fix my mountain bike. They were nice too. When we skinny dipped the brothers would make sure I was safe from weird guys. It's like I had to also count on them to help me.
But why would my mother leave me with other teens like that? I started even doing lesbian things eventually just to feel loved. I know I liked how the brothers didn't usually drink alcohol, smoke anything, or use drugs. I liked living a very socially responsible life too. For example, I never litter, cheat on a quiz or test at my school, or steal. I did share many of their values.
I wish my mother was still here so I could ask her, but my mom is dead. My mom is buried so far away I can't even visit my mom's grave. It makes me sad. I miss my mom. It was like my mom left me behind where I sometimes was living in a constant real life porn movie. It's disturbing.
Now I only have ten minutes before I have to leave my place and get pedaling on my bicycle.
It's frustrating.
My life is strange.
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..just wanted to say that I've had.. ..similar things. Not the same, but similar. It took years and years to sort out, and there's still depression to deal with, but I.. ..I guess I actually am glad it happened. I do feel like there's so much that I wouldn't know, or wouldn't see, wouldn't feel had it not happened. It feels like it expresses something deeper. I know I'm not "supposed" to have enjoyed it, but I also know that the world is full of people that have opinions on what they didn't experience directly. I've definitely felt trapped, but mostly trapped in a sense that I'm now something I'm not allowed to express, even verbally. It's strange, feeling both like it's right, and wrong, and like now that I'm an adult, I can't express it anymore -- at least, not in ways anyone can comprehend except a few. In any case, actions are judged in the realm they're done in.
Que sera sera -- I'll die someday, repop, and rebuild -- or disappear. In the mean time, I live, love, and try not to step on the tender people too much.
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