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I know what I know about God. I know what I have read about God. He is all knowing. He has created all I see and admire. I believe that. I really do. I believe what in the bible is real. The people, the places, the stories are true in my mind. So why don't I FEEL God? Why do I think that He is there for everyone else but me? Do I have some sort of narcissistic tendencies? I think I might. I know, I know. Focus on someone other than yourself. I can hear my mother saying that over and over again. How do I do that? How do I remove myself from the equation? How do I ignore the pain of loneliness and despair? How do I forget that my circumstances are less than ideal? I sit in this "cozy" apartment, with no windows and only my aging cat to talk to and feel as if I am going stark raving mad. I want to be with my family. I am a mom. Or I was. I suppose I still am but I have no duties anymore. They don't need me anymore. I could be dead and nobody would even know. Yes, I could call people. And I do. But, there are times when I don't so I can see if anyone will call me. It could take a couple of weeks but one of my kids will. My dead body would be covered in maggots by then. I take some comfort in this though. I know that they will be ok without me. I know that I have done a good job because they don't need me anymore. God, that sucks. Anyway, I want out of this God. I've been transplanted to this awful place and I want out. I've tried finding a job that would give me some sort of fulfillment. Thought I had one too. Well I did for a short time. It didn't pay much and it really was quite a few steps down but I was surrounded by children and that made me feel good. I could be a light in some of their dark little worlds. I was kind to them, I listened to them and just tried to be a nice adult. Well, the principal didn't like how I interacted with them. Why? What did I do? What did I say? Nope. No further explanation than that. So, it was over. I was crushed. I felt inadequate. I spiraled down a bit. So on to another plan. I'll start a business. I love building things and creating something from nothing so that's what I'll do. Nope. Landlord is a pyscho with boundry issues. No funds for another place so that's done. Again I spiral down a bit further. I'm getting closer and closer to the bottom here. It gets harder and harder to bounce back. I'm scared now. I actually feel anxious. This is sort of new to me. I'm usually just dealing with stress or depression. Well, I guess I've graduated. Again I'm off topic. Anyway, God? Can you hear me? Are you listening to me? I need to get the hell out of here. I NEED to be surrounded by people I love and care for. I NEED a support system. I cannot do this on my own anymore. Please Dear God. Give me a reason to feel joyful each morning. Allow me to open my eyes each day with excitement in my heart for all the possibilities that will come my way. Give me a way out of here Lord. Please.
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You have a warm and caring heart, with a lot of love to give, your children are all grown up now and they are also trying to be adults and show the love you gave them to other people in their life. Now it’s kind of like with all that love not having a place to go it builds up inside you and turns against because of your mind your thoughts are almost always negative like your thinking about the worst case scenario all the time and you start to live that reality. I think there are a lot of things you can do even now to get some fulfillment in your life and that can give you a reason to wake up in the morning. Have you ever considered outreach by that I mean all forms of community service whether that be volunteering or helping out other people in need or helping out at a daycare or starting one yourself. Give the love you have to other people and they will give you back more love, God wants you to be his disciple go out into the word and share his word and he will reward you. Once you find something your passionate about you will feel a lot better and it’s never to late to do that.
ReplyI’ll be praying for you
ReplyGod is listening. He hears you, he feels your pain, and he understands it. He put you in that place for a reason and he will never leave you behind and he will never put you in a situation he doesn't know you can handle. He loves you, and if things don't change soon, he'll make it change. I'll be praying for you and meanwhile while you're waiting for him to answer you, stay close to him and pray everyday
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