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My desire to have estrangement started before I realized it. When I was child dreaming of what I would be when I grew up, my mother’s response what always to tell me no because I would be an engineer, doctor, or lawyer. When I was eight I decided on engineering because it would be the shortest amount of time to be independent and not have to interact with my parents again. I brought this up to my mom once when I was 16, her response was that they would not pay for college then. I desperately wanted her to ask me why. I desperately wanted her to notice my health, to notice that my anxiety wasn’t letting me keep food down, to notice my panic attacks, anything really. They only time she acknowledged my panic attacks was when a teacher brought it up, my mother’s told me not to do that at school.
Lets fast forward through college and the beginnings of my alcoholism. When I had graduated from college and was working full time. I called my mom, drunk, telling her my father raped me. (I know this to be accurate now, but back then my memories were repressed and I only kind of had access to them when drunk). The next day I called my mom and told her I don’t know. Her response is etched into my mind “You were wrong to tell me that, if I had a gun I would have killed myself from the shame” later she told me that my father paid for my college and so it doesn’t matter if he did or didn’t rape me.
After this I cut them off, I wrote them one email. Stating to never contact me again unless a family member dies. I believe I threatened them with never knowing if I had kids (I never wanted children, they knew this, but I think it was the only way to get them to stop).
My parents’ friends frequently called me to tell me how horrible, hurtful, and dishonorable I am for this. It got really bad a few years later when my father passed away. I ended up changing my number only 1 person who knows my mom was given this new number.
The gift of being estranged is that I’m able to take space in my life. The space to do self work so my incest memories do not stress me out anymore or hijack my feelings. I have the space to work on my recovery so I don’t drink anymore. Now that I’m so unburdened I have the space to love and accept love.
I do not owe my mother and father anything. I did not ask to be born, and my parents did such a terrible job that I had to take on the expense of hiring a therapist so I can learn how to reparent myself.
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I was adopted and share a similar story of parents who didn't step up when they needed to. What do you do that helps you not dwell on your childhood? I often feel like people will say "you are so lucky to be adopted." when in reality I can't think that. I applaud you for your bravery and courage.
ReplyYes! This!
I'm in the same place now. Every kid who is suffering their parents negligence should read this.
It gets better. Once you have your job, your space, your friends, you can start healing.
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