Stronger

So I’m a girl and a wrestler. I injured myself and was out for a while. Now I’m back on the mat but have been trying to cut weight the past couple of days. I have a eating disorder, it’s not as bad as it use to be but as soon as I stoped eating to cut a few pounds the voices came back. They tell me how I’m fat or lazy or that all I ever do is eat and I have no self control. I want to start eating because my performance on the mat dropped, I lost to someone who a few weeks ago I could pin in a few seconds. At first I wasn’t going to be allowed to join wrestling because who you wrestle is based on weight and I could relapse. But since I joined I’ve been wanting to be stronger not thinner, but now I don’t know what to do half of me wants to be thinner and the other just wants to wrestle without loss of energy. I found out we have a two pound alliance the next match so I could be two pounds heavier then the actual weight class but it’s only been two days and I’m already scared to eat again. Im scared of gaining weight and not loosing it, I don’t understand why I can’t just have more control and not binge or starve. I can stay the same weight while we have school but I still want to loose fat, the only way it seams to work is when I eat 500 calories a day.